Sharing your formula can be invaluable

I have found out lately that everyone has something they do in life that they think is common, a no-brainer, when it's not.  Sharing these little life formulas can be so helpful to someone else who is struggling with something you breeze through without a thought.

For example, I recently shared a page from my daily planner with a few friends where they could see my rows of sparkly stars each day. I have, for a long time, given my self a star on my calendar to track progress on any new goal, it's highly motivating for me to get a new star and so satisfying to see the pattern but painful when I break it. I don't know what this says for my maturity but I love my stars! A couple friends actually appreciated the insight – they'd never thought of doing that and it has since helped with their goals as well. For me, it's just something I do and I figured everyone did something similar.

Another example I read about a few weeks ago was a successful business man who had a formula for managing his time so he could be most effective in his goals (managing his company and social life) where he maintained a list of his top 50 friends and when he had free time he would start at the top of the list to see who had time to spend with him. It was his way of making sure he spent time with people he valued rather than allowing his time to be absorbed in other ways (in his position there are thousands of people who want his time). For him, it was just logic but for some of us that is an invaluable example of how to design the life you want to live rather than taking whatever you stumble on.

Even when I hear someone's formula and it seems like something completely unapplicable to me, I consider how I could tweak it for my own purposes.  Honestly, making a list of my top 50 people is not exactly going to be a life changer for me but a list of my top ____(fill in the blank)____ to spend time on instead of binge watching something on Hulu could definitely kick things up a notch.

So, I'm curious, what formulas do you have that keep the important bits of your life moving along how you like them?

I've heard quite a few the last couple weeks and they are so simply genius:

• Meal Planning (I'm incorporating this one right now by planning meals up to a month ahead of time)
• Doing all errands on the same day each week
• Also, finding a shopping center where she can get most, if not all errands done in the same place (hair, nails, shipping, groceries etc)
• Weekly/Monthly supply deliveries (from Amazon or other subscription services)
• Scheduling email processing for 2 times per day only
• "Out of office" and processing rules for certain types of emails as well, to automate.

I even had a friend cop to the fact that once per year she throws a party and invites everyone that has invited her over all year as a quick and easy way to repay the kindness.  She gets to limit all the work it takes to throw a party and treat her friends to a fun time, making new connections in the process.

I'd really love to hear more! Please share in the comments below :)

When you're being most difficult is when you need most to be loved

You know how sometimes it feels like you're going through your own personal version of hell? Honestly, are you nice to people? Is your first instinct to go out and be generous and helpful? For most of us, that is a big N.O.

We contract into a grumpy, petty little hurt animal that often lashes out at anyone approaching just because our critter brain is in survival mode and any perceived threat or distraction must be obliterated. Yes?

Sometimes we are lucky enough to have someone who loves us even though we lash out at them. They persevere and hold our hand saying, “I'm here for you. You're not alone.”

It means more than anything, when we are blinded by sadness, anger and fear to know someone has our back even though we're miserable to be around.

Is there anyone in your life right now who is being really difficult? Sometimes it's so bad that everyone backs away, unwilling to suffer any unwarranted injury. We “establish healthy boundaries” with them because their pain scares us or we aren't able to cope with the situation.

But, when someone is hurting so much that all they can do is dish out their pain, that's the time they need to be loved the most. Somehow, their situation has completely depleted their stores of love so that there's none left for them to draw on and yes, it's our job to fill one another's love reserves back up, even if it's hard. Especially when it's hard!

I hope you'll take a few minutes this week to be compassionate to people who are angry, hurting or having a really hard time and let them know they aren't alone. Give them a little love boost. It can be as easy as letting them tell you their story and knowing you hear them.

If it makes you more comfortable to do it anonymously, ok, but I'd like to invite you to own it – there's something really valuable to knowing someone is intentionally there for you rather than a roll of the cosmic dice happened to land on your number that day.

We all need our hand held some days.

Killing sugar addiction

I learned something interesting about sugar addiction that changed my life.  After years of quitting sugar just to be drawn back in with fierce cravings I learned about the "bad" bacteria that feed on it that live in your digestive system and how they not only cause vicious cravings but are also releasing toxins that are no good.


I attended a nutrition class recently where they were talking about fermented foods - something that just one generation ago was a dietary staple but with the industrialization of food has fallen to the wayside.  What's important about them is that they are full of pro-biotics which are important for our health (beyond "regularity") including things like moods, energy and cravings.

You probably hear a lot of talk about pro-biotics lately, Jaime Lee Curtis commercials come to mind.  Personally, I hesitate to take them in supplement form because not only do many brands have undisclosed gluten in them, but most studies show that the chance of those organisms surviving through your digestion to get where they need to be for health benefits is slim to none.

On the other hand, fermented foods are also full of pro-biotics and the likelihood of their survival to the final destination in your digestive tract is high.  Why?  Because you are getting them with the food that they live on, so they have a snack on their way to where they need to be.  Like packing a cooler for your road trip!

How does this apply to sugar addiction?  When you have a system full of bad bacteria, a lot of them thrive on sugar (and release toxins, which don't make you feel good).  So, they are constantly sending out signals in your bloodstream, to your brain, for more sugar.  Your brain doesn't differentiate, all you know is that part of your body is desperate for sugar.  So, you crave it and willpower only gets you so far in avoiding it until that craving is so strong, you give in.  Sound familiar? No?  Just me then...

They have found that if you get more of the beneficial bacteria into your system (and feed them what they love, like veggies), they will thrive and crowd out the bad bacteria and you'll feel better.  Not only do you get the health benefits of the good guys but the fewer bad guys, the fewer sugar craving signals and that puts you back in control.

So, what finally helped me get over the sugar addiction was delicious fermented foods - sauerkraut and kimchi, specifically.  I started adding them to at least 1 meal daily and not only did my health start to improve, but the sugar cravings waned.  I still have to deal with that lovely sugar "high" addiction, related to the kick your brain gets when it's hit with sugar, but willpower can get you so far :)

On a side note, other fermented foods like yogurt are recommended but keep in mind how much sugar are in a lot of those brands, which might derail your progress.

If you need a little help kicking a sugar habit as well, try making your own kraut at home to start.  It's super easy and cheap.  All you need is 5 lbs of cabbage and 3 Tablespoons of sea salt (not iodized).  Chop up the cabbage, mix in the salt until it releases some water and then pack it down tightly in a crock or jars so that the veggies are submerged below the brine (salt water released by the cabbage).  You might need to put something on it to squash down the cabbage so the brine stays above it (like a plate or bowl).  Put it in a cool place like your pantry. Wait 4-6 weeks, until it smells and tastes good and enjoy!  You can experiment with other veggies and quantities, just keep the 5:3 ratio.

If you're looking for fermented veggies at the store, they can be hard to find - don't look in the canned food aisle - those have been heated high enough to kill the bacteria before canning.  Try the refrigerated section in a natural grocery or your local farmer's market.  Look for "raw" and "pro-biotic" brands.

Let me know how it goes!

Death & Taxes: even if you don't need a will

It seems like it takes a major life event or great amount of wealth for most of us to write a will. Maybe because it solidifies mortality in our minds and that is scary or maybe, like me, you don't think you need one because you're young, single and fancy free.

This year, I decided to deep clean my house as a birthday gift to myself. A fresher start to a new year. As I was going through some keepsakes, I had things from my grandma who passed away a few years ago and I wondered how difficult it was for her kids to carry out her wishes. I don't know if she had a will or left specific instructions, but I do know there were decisions left to the family, requiring some awkwardness during a very difficult time.

I realized that I want to alleviate as much of that as I can for my family and it was neglectful for me not to have a will. Death of a loved one is hard enough, I didn't want anyone I care about to have to figure out what to do with my yarn collection too!

So, today I'd like to invite you to consider, if you don't have a will, to join me in this simple process I did. It only took about 15 minutes and it was a good first step to being more responsible to my loved ones, now and when I'm gone.

Start by sitting down and writing a letter to the person(s) who will most likely be in charge of things after you're gone. No mushy love stuff, no sentimentality. Just the facts. You can write the tear jerkers later!

The intention of this letter is to delegate the entire business of your life, so please keep it simple and unemotional.

Write down your thoughts and wishes about 

• donating your organs
• funeral arrangements 
• how much should they spend and what should they do with the flowers and cash gifts that arrive?
• which couch cushion you stash your mad money in
• any directions about your assets that you require
• do you have particular items to go to particular people?
• who's responsible for burning your diary and closing your facebook account?

If you're like me, you might include a disclaimer for them to do “this or whatever is easier for you” on parts that you really don't care about but are just letting them off the decision hook.  Permission to put off, delegate or ignore a task might be what they need more.

Then, consider what is left – what isn't on that list? Someone will have to handle that too, who will it be? What do you want them to do?

For example, what should they do with your clothes, dishes and pantry stock? No one thinks about that but believe me, when you're gone, someone is going to be standing there trying to decide who should get the cans of soup and those things hanging in your closet you never wore. You can make it easy by listing your favorite charities and instructions to donate or consider who might benefit from those things and gift them.

That's it! Just a nice list to make life easier for someone who will be deeply sad for losing you, in writing, so there's (hopefully) less drama and confusion.

Now, the caveat here is that laws may or may not uphold your will, there may be extenuating factors and people may even protest it. So, I'd recommend getting professional legal help to make it as official and binding as possible.

Finally, let your person(s) know where this document is and consider giving them copies. There doesn't have to be a conversation about it even – just that it's done.

Don't forget to review it and update periodically *put it on your calendar annually*.

Let me know how it goes. I know I sleep better at night now, I hope you and your loved ones will too.

What's your meaning of life?

I have a theory that we are all searching for the meaning of life and that is the meaning of life: the search. Connecting to something greater than yourself.  A lot of people try to find that meaning in collecting money, shoes or other people and I'm not here to judge their level of success, just to ask how that is working for them.

What is your meaning of life?  What are you trying to connect with and is it working?

I read an interesting take on life's meaning last week and have been pondering it quite a bit.  It went something like: we are not a body, we have a body.  We are a spirit and our body is simply a vehicle for communication so that we can have a human experience.  Further, that the body can't think, that it is our mind that interprets the sensations and gives them (sometimes arbitrary) meanings: good or bad.

What was really interesting to me was how differently everyone interprets the same sensations.  Two people can experience the exact same thing and interpret it very differently.  For example, a roller coaster.  One person can get in it and ride for hours, throwing their hands up and screaming with delight.  Another person can get in with fear in the pit of their stomach, clench the safety bar until their knuckles are bleeding and throw up from the excruciating horror of it, refusing to ever ride again.

There are even studies of infants 4 months old, showing how extremely different each can react to the exact same stimuli so we don't even know exactly when we start to form our perceptions of this world.  So, I'm not going to get into the psychology/biology of it.
What I wonder, is can we learn to change our perception and should we?

Personally, I think if something isn't working for you or you just want to make a positive change, the answer is yes on both counts.  We naturally look for evidence to "prove" our personal beliefs - just look at your friends' Facebook pages, you'll see they are filled with things that support their own view of how the world should be and you'll find exact opposite view points on a different person's page.

So, the challenge is to search out the perspective that supports the meaning you want to bring more of into your life.  You can focus on the good news or the bad news, change or the status quo - which one do you choose?

Being a cognitive miser

This week we were talking about how some of the most successful people live a surprisingly simple life and the various tactics we can adopt from them to also become more successful in our endeavors.

There is actually a lot of science behind why simplifying your life can actually bring you a lot more prosperity, satisfaction and happiness.  One theory is the "cognitive miser".  It has shown that we actually have a limited amount of decision making ability each day, called "decision fatigue". This is the reason that a lot of us can't decide what to have for dinner or lose our resolve to do certain things by the end of the day.  We have literally used up our ability to make decisions through out the day starting with what to wear before we leave for work and all the decisions that follow.

So, if we can minimize some of the simple decisions we have to make each day, imagine how many other opportunities to accomplish bigger things would open up.

You've probably heard of people who have precise morning routines that they rarely deviate from (likely you've heard of them because they are successful and doing an interview about a day in the life, like Tony Robbins, Ivanka Trump etc.).

I don't know about you, but when I hear about these routines I pretty much think it sounds impossible.  I mean, get up before dawn in the middle of winter to go to the gym, cook a big breakfast, read the papers, tie my shoes...ha ha ha.  But, when I feel myself hitting a wall in the evening where I'm looking at the fridge and can't figure out what to do but open a can of peas for dinner, things get ugly.

So, a few of us decided to see if we could change our lives for the better with these tactics and I'm here to report out so we might help you too!

It was harder than we thought!  For example, have you ever thought about the sheer insanity you face at the store?  There are thousands of choices in breakfast cereal,  dozens of types of eggs, don't get me started on the ice cream (seriously, if you want dairy free, sugar free, fat free ice cream maybe you should consider a trip to the produce section instead for a juicy peach), 5 scents of the same brand of bathroom cleaner, hundreds of types of toothpaste and then you have to consider that a lot of those "choices" are actually the very exact same thing from the same plant, off the same line into the same can with a different sticker on each.  We live in a society of unlimited choices for everything and to make matters worse a lot of us want to find the best "deal" in all those choices so we are comparing prices and endorsements to figure it all out. It's a lot of work just to get the supplies we need before we even get to the real work of life.

All that aside, we decided to focus on 3 things: encapsulating our work wardrobe, meal planning and play time (aka exercise).

Wardrobe:

Have you ever noticed that most working men have a uniform?  The same color suit/pants/jacket and maybe a couple color variation of shirts and shoes (which often go to after work and weekend events too)?  More women are adopting that concept as well but every one I know still wants fun accessories and require unique outfits for occasions.

Personally, I've had something of a "uniform" since I got my first job out of college and a wise colleague said she just wore "black pants and a top" everyday so she fit the dress code and didn't spend a lot of money on outfits that the same 10 people were going to see every day anyway.  She was brilliant and didn't even know about decision fatigue.  At the time, I had a love of fashion that led me to a full and vibrant closet but every morning I found myself spending half an hour trying things on until coming back to the 20% of my closet that was easy - the neutral colors and simple tailored lines.  Then, racing out the door.  It took me a couple years before I finally resigned myself to the fact that I did indeed have a uniform and I separated my closet to the work side and the fun side and saved myself that 30 minutes every day.

Meal Planning: 

The next part we tackled was food.  Gemma already had this one down pat to gift the rest of us.  Every morning she had the same bowl of muesli for breakfast with almond milk. Done.  She highly recommended that we each eat the same thing for breakfast every morning.  Our struggle was to decide what.
Jill needed to get 30 grams of protein in the morning so was often struggling between shakes, bars, eggs or a drive thru and trying to feed her kids at the same time (who each wanted something different). She was using a lot of decision making ability first thing in the morning and felt like this one would make the biggest difference in her life.  So, she settled on just having eggs every morning because it was also something her kids would eat without much of a fuss.
A couple weeks later, she reports that it has worked out well.  She thought cooking in the morning would take more time than cereal or a shake but she found they are actually gaining time by not having any discussion around it.  We gave her a gold star!

We also came up with systems for other meals (each night of the week has a theme and lunch is always leftovers).

Play time:

This seemed to be the thing that was hardest to routinize because in the morning was too hard with all the other activities to get out the door and by evening, well we all had used up our cognitive resources so it would end up on the list to definitely do tomorrow. Hmm.

One day I saw an interview with Tracy Anderson (personal trainer of Gwyneth and Madonna) where they asked her what exercises she would recommend for a lady who only had 15 minutes.  Her answer was shocking and real.  She said she would tell them to get out their calendar and figure out why they didn't have an hour to show up for their health every day.

I shared this immediately and we all agreed, we had to do whatever it took to show up for our health every day and got creative, plugging in our exercise when we still had will power left during the day to make it a habit.

We each put a non-negotiable appointment on our calendar no more than 6 hours after we woke up and chose a single workout to do for 40 days.  It might sound boring and go against the crowd who say you need to change up your workout so you don't plateau but that wasn't the point.  What we needed was a decision-less action to take every day to show up for our health.  Maybe after 40 days we can start changing it up, once the core habit is established.

Of course, we made these changes one at a time over the course of a few weeks but the results have been phenomenal.  We have each found more time in our days to do the things we really love and make strategic movement toward huge goals.

I hope that this will inspire or help you if you're also struggling with that feeling of not enough time in the day or running out of will power.  Let me know what your challenges are and I'll share some of our brainstorming with you to help!






The millionaire who lives in an Airstream trailer

When you feel like you're going to hit the wall...

One of the first things you have to learn in racing school is that if you feel like you're going to hit the wall, don't look at the wall!
Why?  Because we have a natural tendency to go toward what we look at and if you're feeling too close to crashing, the best thing to do is look the other way - look where you want to go instead and turn that way.  The funny thing is a lot of people can't learn to do it.

It is the same in regular life too.  So many people find themselves headed in a direction they don't want to go in their careers, relationships, health etc. and want to change their course but a lot can't quite make it.  The ones that do, though, are the people who can tear their concentration away from the potential disaster coming up and look toward what they desire.

I'm sure you've heard that old adage about “what you focus on grows” or some version of it.   That's basically what we're talking about here.

So, where are you going that you don't want to be?  Can I suggest rather than focusing on the thing you don't want, you flip your thoughts to what you do want?

For example, I have a client who had a New Year's goal of losing weight and for months she had been focused on losing that weight, cutting out sugar and processed foods and dieting, yet she didn't have much luck.
We did a quick exercise where she started to state what she did want: a bikini body, glowing skin and shiny hair.  Looking at that list, she said she felt more energized and positive about her desire and we made a simple plan for her to add things to her life that would help her achieve those goals instead of focusing on cutting out, losing and lack.  As she filled her days with the positive actions the things she didn't want naturally fell away and she has since reported amazing success!

The science is there too, showing that a reward is usually a much better motivator than punishment and that replacing a bad habit with something you'd prefer creates much more success than just trying to go "cold turkey".

I'd love to hear from you about the things you struggle with.  Are there ways you can turn it around to state what you do want instead of what you don't?  For example, if you hate your job how does it feel to think about what new job you want instead of just about how to escape the old job you don't?  Or if you're in a bad relationship, how much more empowered would you feel if you focus on the people you want to bring into your life more than the ones you want to kick out?
I'd bet you will feel more confident and find that transition happening so easily you'll hardly notice, when you're coming from an attitude of possibility instead of loss.
Let me know!

You've lost that vacation feeling

I have a question. Have you unwittingly designed a life you want to escape from?

I know a lot of people who start each week complaining that it's Monday and counting down to Friday, dragging through daily routines that feel soul crushing and commonly claim to be tired/stressed/too busy with a roll of the eyes and puffing of cheeks. In fact, I've been there too.

Some seem to enjoy the pain, but I don't believe that is the majority.  I think that they have unconsciously built a life that they want to escape from but don't know how, akin to Stockholm syndrome, only they are their own captor.

Then, they take a vacation or enjoy a weekend and find that it takes a couple days just to detach from things, have some fun and then experience this new phenomenon of "Sunday Night Blues" (read about it here).  It just doesn't seem right.

I've started to think of life like those stipple paintings, where the artist creates a whole picture one tiny dot at a time (hang in here with me). They have a bigger vision so they design the color, shape and spacing of each dot to create the larger piece but you have to have distance from it to see what it is.

So, what if, instead of believing that we have to make huge, dramatic (impossible) changes to have a life we love all the time, we just took it one dot at a time, rather than trying to cram it all into those scant 2 weeks a year and then losing the second we realize it's over?

One choice, one action and one thought at a time.

Then, maybe not tomorrow but a little while from now, we could look back and see the bigger picture and be pleased with it?

I know it's possible, simple even. All it takes is conscious intention and a habit to follow that intention.

For example, I currently intend to enjoy my life to the extreme, so I consider the prospect of enjoyment in everything I do.

Of course, I don't enjoy everything I do (cleaning bathrooms comes to mind) so the question sometimes is: how can I appreciate this?  

At first I didn't remember my intention because I was so busy with my old habit of just getting stuff done like a zombie and life still sucked, a lot.  I needed to remind myself so I started small with notes and items around my house, like a note on the fridge or a lipstick I love on my vanity to trigger that thought.  It only took a few days before I had an automatic, silent mantra: Do I enjoy this?  Sure, some of my choices haven't met the test and I'm not 100% blissed out all the time but when I look back, I can truly say the grand picture pleases me. I don't want to escape from it at all, I want to be tethered to it as it just keeps getting better and better.

I've moved on to bigger things as I gain more confidence and unlearn the concept of "no pain, no gain" and I'm living a life now where there are no more Sunday night blues or vacation withdrawal.  Each dot on my canvas gets me closer to a masterpiece - to my bigger vision, rather than just leading down a chaotic maze.  Do you want that too?

I have a second question for you now. What do you want your life to feel like? 

That is the secret sauce in this formula. To paraphrase Tim Ferriss:  "You don't want a million dollars, you want the life you think a million dollars will give you." Swap out "dollars" for friends/fame/belongings/career/etc. and it still stands. 

So, my advice is to remind yourself of the feeling and try to experience it as often as possible (set up reminders) and I think one day you'll look back and see that you have tossed away the life you wanted to escape and you're living one designed exactly how you like.

This is your life...

Let's play a game today. Take a few moments right now to look around you, really take everything in. What do you smell, feel, hear?

I'll wait...take as long as you need.

.....................................................................................................

Now, I want you to take one more look before you finish reading this and say out loud, “This is my life.”

How does that feel? Do you feel proud or disappointed? Are you relaxed and happy or stressed out and frustrated? How does your body feel when you say it?

One day, I took a break to have my favorite cup of tea outside during a gorgeous morning, the sunrise was breath taking and the flowers were blooming and fragrant, it was the kind of morning you wish you could just freeze frame forever. I thought, “What if this could be my life?” My heart unclenched and it hit me like a ton of bricks – It is! Colleen Bean...This.Is.Your.Life. Duh, right? 

But what I realized in that moment was that I got caught up in the doing of life – the job, the errands, the obligations, the un-fun things and looking toward a future “some day” when I would have done enough to finally have my dream life but all the while, here was my dream peeking in randomly, a minute at a time, but I was glossing over it.

I wonder if you feel that way too.

I made a pretty radical decision that day to live my dreams now because I didn't want to be disappointed or frustrated for one more second. I didn't want to die with regrets and I was acutely aware that death can come at any second (not in a morbid way, seriously).

You probably don't want to make such a radical decision as I did, or maybe you do. But, I want to invite you to the party, either way.

It's easy.

The first step is to just be aware of what is going on around you. Stop a few times a day and really experience what you are doing and what's going on around you. Maybe say to yourself, “This is my life!” - see how it feels. Take note of the things that make your heart happy and lean into them just a little longer. Extend those moments of love, hugs, fun, beauty and joy as long as you can and maybe a little longer. 

I promise, your life will get dreamy instantly.  Let me know how it goes.

A Musing About Pleasure

This morning I was having a gorgeous glass (or 3) of my (new) favorite (Italian) bubbly at the lodge and living my dreamy life.

I enjoyed that first sip and those first rays of sun so much, I thought I should share the joy so I pulled out my phone and snapped a picture for Instagram, but my hand looked awkward, so I took another which was blurry...you know the drill. Finally, I had this lovely picture, the sun was glinting perfectly and I posted it.

At that point, I realized that I had just spent some very precious moments of my life on something that was a shadow of the rich, pleasure filled moment. That picture I posted wasn't even a teeny glimpse into the magnificence of this gorgeous instant.

I missed out on being delighted in the occasion while the sun was traveling across the sky in an amazing light show, the sweet cold drink that I could have sipped like a hedonist while I enjoyed my company, the time and the space.

Instead, I stepped out of the moment (with good intention!) to share it with my loved ones far and wide who couldn't be here with me.

So, what is my point? I'm not sure, exactly. I think it is to inspire you to live without distraction in the moments you cherish most. To not make my mistake of taking a few frustrating pictures that caused me to judge the quality of the sun, the breeze, the position of my hand...which were perfect, except for the camera, and should have been savored.

It is not to discourage you from sharing your moments, not at all!  Just to be aware that, if in that moment your soul whispers to you to fully immerse yourself in it and ignore the rest of us, DO IT! Tell me about it later when you're sick in bed with a cold...”Once upon a time on this gorgeous day...” I'll appreciate it just as much then.

Dear Cece, I want my stuff back!

Dear Cece,

I broke up with my boyfriend but we lived together and now he won't let me back in to get my things. He said he will pack them up and I can come get them in the lobby of our building next week. I'm worried that he will keep or damage things since it was a bad break up. What can I do?

-A

Dear A,

I'm not a lawyer, so first off I'd suggest you contact one or at least the police and see what legal rights you have about your property.

As for the emotional situation you're dealing with, my advice is to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I, myself, have been through bad breakups and lost things in the process that I wish(ed) to keep (and don't miss them at all now!) so will you.

The hardest part of breaking up though, is the emotional loss of a huge part of your lifestyle and a person you valued so much. The first step is to forgive yourself for any resentment you have around it and forgive him for any wrongs you blame him for. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, it means releasing from the negativity that bleeds into every other part of your life and keeps you from fully receiving all the good things around you. Release your regrets, anger and negativity so you can move on. I know, this is easier said than done but if you are even a tiny bit willing to forgive, it will happen and these belongings you're worried about will seem less crucial to your happiness.

As for your property, again this is easier said than done, but try to remember that it doesn't make you happy and you aren't your stuff. It's all just mementos of your life and what you really value are the experiences and memories that are associated with it – cherish those. Forgive him if things are broken or missing, intentional or not.

Don't get me wrong, if you have valuable items and irreplaceable family heirlooms, you should fully expect them to be returned and pursue that! I'm just saying, there's always more of everything in this world but if you spend your energy and your life obsessing over what you can't control, you won't have the opportunity to bring in more shiny new things and amazing experiences into your life.

On a side note, you might find that a lot of those things hold bad memories of your old relationship and you won't want them later anyway.

Everyone has "baggage" make sure what you're hauling around is worth it to you. :)

I hope this helps, please let me know how it goes!

Lots of Love,

Cece

Getting What You Really Want

Dear Cece,

There is a woman I see often that has everything I want. I've tried the old advice of doing what she does, if I want what she has, and it's not working.

I don't know how else to get those things, what should I do?

- B

Dear B,

I have a question for you. Do you actually want what she has, exactly, or do you just think you want it?

It's great that you have been inspired to achieve your desires but I wonder if you're focusing on a perception that may not be realistic. I'd also like to invite you to create your own unique and spectacular life instead of trying to be a copy of someone else.

Take some time to journal about the things she has that you want and get really specific about what they are and the feeling that they would bring you. You might be surprised that it isn't the item or the picture you see that you want but the feelings around it that inspire you.

I think you will get more clarity on what it is you actually desire and open up for the effortless and creative ways to get it, unique to your personality and abilities.

On a basic level, you are a different person than she is in many ways. So, trying to copy her isn't going to achieve the same result. In the same vein, even if it did, you might find that result isn't actually satisfying you like you think it will.

Let me know, after a little introspection, what the feelings are you desire that these things represent to you and let's explore how to get what you really want!

Love,

Cece

I'll Get Back To You

Dear Cece,

Today, as I was running an errand I didn't want to do, for someone I don't really want to help, I was suddenly struck with the thought “What if I died in a car wreck while I was running this errand? That would be a real waste of my life!” So now I'm having an emotional crisis because life is full of doing things that aren't fun but you can't just quit doing them unless you want to live in a box under a bridge and that's no fun either, right? What's your advice for me?

- Just the Errand Girl

Dear Girl,

I think you already know my answer but here it is, short and sweet. You need to start setting healthy boundaries and making more strategic decisions because there is a lot more going on here than just a random errand that made you question the worth of your life (don't worry I will help you).

Now back to the the details:

Obviously, the ideal situation when asked to do something for others is to be able to say an honest “yes” or “no” immediately, based on your current priorities and resources. If that isn't possible, I invite you to start practicing this phrase: “I'll get back to you”. Say it with me (smile kindly)... “I'll get back to you.”

Now, when someone asks you to do a task for them, say those magic words and leave their presence even if only for 1 minute (bonus list of excuses at the bottom of this page). Find a moment to suss out if this task is important and actionable for you (we can talk more about priorities later, but you'll already have a gut instinct here – use it) or could be delegated to someone else who would appreciate it more.

Don't feel guilty if you decide it's the latter. I believe that we each have a specific purpose on this Earth, that's why we all have unique abilities, desires and preferences. What you leave undone is an opportunity for someone who wants to do it. I know that sounds a little flaky, but companies like Task Rabbit*, Fancy hands* and your local handyman are perfect examples of how true it is.

Back to your profound errand experience, I think examining your revelation of what constitutes a waste of life is a bigger undertaking than I can address here, so call me and we'll get started privately, if you'd like.

I hope this first simple step of allowing yourself to take a beat before committing to anything more in life will move you toward a better use of your unique gifts and set your mind at ease about how you're spending your life, my dear!

Please let me know how it goes!

Lots of love,

Cece

P.S. Here's your quick list of truthful, buy time fast excuses:

I have to go powder my nose/use the restroom

Let me check my schedule to see if I can do it

I have to make a call/send a message later and see if I can fit it in

I have to check with _(person)_ because I promised them my time that day

I would like to talk to you more about that later, right now I have to __(insert activity or meeting you are on your way to do)__.

*No affiliation or endorsement, just pertinent examples

Burn That Bridge To Keep The Zombies Away

Dear Cece,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating seriously for a long time now and basically, I feel like we have a life together and it's fine but something in my soul feels like there should be more. Like I should be madly in love with the man I'm spending my life with and intoxicated by our life together rather than tolerate it because that is what I have.

I'm not the type to start “shopping” around for a new man and entertaining his social circle keeps me too busy to get one of my my own (since being with him, I've lost many of my own friendships) so I feel like without him I don't have any life at all, much less the potential for something thrilling.

If I break up with him, I'm afraid I'll hurt us both too much and I'll be completely alone and I don't know how to start over. I don't want to start over, actually, I've been working on this one a long time and part of me thinks it's ok to just be “ok” and have a “normal” life. And what if he wouldn't take me back if I wanted to?

What should I do?

Desperately,

Afraid to burn the bridges

Dear Afraid To Burn,

I think we have all been in a situation that was at best mediocre, like you're describing, and understand how difficult it can be to have a clear perspective on what the next right action is.

Do you play it safe (and how long can you stand to)? Or do you listen to that voice in your soul calling out for something...more?

Here's what I want you to do. Go get a quarter. Now flip it and let it fall to the floor – heads you keep your “ok” life, tails you bust out of the rut and burn with the heat of a thousand fires toward that mad love and exciting existence that's quietly calling you, bridges be damned.

Which side is up? How do you feel about that? There's your answer.

Please follow up with me, I really want to know what you decide!

Lots of Love,

Cece

P.S. Sometimes you have to burn that bridge to keep the zombies from catching you and turning you in to one of them.

Dealing With Bullies

Dear Cece,

Why are some people such a**holes? I'm sick of people who think that they can just pester and nag me until I give them the answer they want. I deal with several people who think that sending multiple emails/phone messages/texts/physically appearing etc is going to change my original response but all it does is make me ignore/delete them and then I feel guilty but I don't have time in my day to play those stupid games. How do I deal with them and get back some of my patience and peace in my day?

Thank you for your help,

Pulling my hair out

Dear Pulling,

What you are talking about is simply bullying. We could talk for hours about psychological, societal and personal reasons they are the way they are but the bottom line is that some people think they have the right to attack someone else who isn't doing what they want. This may sound harsh, but that is what they are doing - attacking you!

I assume you have returned their first communication with a sufficient response and they continue to harass you for more or different results and this is the bad behavior you are trying to nip in the bud.

Step 1: Forgive them. Realize that there is a reason that they are acting this way that you may never know and probably couldn't solve if you wanted to. So, take a quiet moment after you receive that bout of harassment from them and say a little prayer that they will be led to a place of peace for whatever ails them and forgive. That action alone will release you from the anger, frustration and guilt of the situation, allowing you to move forward in a positive way.

Step 2: Send them one last response, politely stating that nothing has changed and they do not need to keep "following up" or similar.

Step 3: Ignore any further contact about that particular interaction. Forgive and delete, repeat as needed.

This is probably going to be very difficult no matter what type of situation you are in with this person, whether personal or professional. You may need to talk about it with other people in your life for support and specific solutions so I'd encourage you to ask yourself, on a case by case basis, before you do so:

Will talking about it to this person make anything better? Can they help or are you just gossiping?

For instance, talking to your boss or a trusted coworker about the situation and asking for advice or mentoring around how to handle that particular person or generic situation may help stave off any complications at work and alert them to a potential disaster waiting to happen. But, talking to all your coworkers during happy hour is probably just gossip and going to shed a negative light on you and your own work ethic - don't be that person.

Pulling, my dear, I sincerely hope this helps and keep me posted on how the situation progresses!

Cece

Add The Good - Crowd Out The "Bad"

Hello everyone!

Today I was reminded to share with you one of the most powerful tools I have for creating positive change that is so easy and nearly impossible to fight. It's called"crowding out".

When we set goals or are looking to make positive changes in our lives, it seems logical that we should just be able to flip a switch in our mind and stop doing the "bad" stuff, right? Then, a little while later we find that it never happened and beat ourselves up, rinse and repeat. It's not fun.

So, here's a tip that I hope will help so not only can you make great changes in your life that will really support and serve you but mainly so you can quit beating yourself up.

If you're in a "quit the bad thing" mindset, flip it over to "add more of the good thing".

For instance, if you're trying to curb the amount of time you spend complaining (in general or about a specific topic...like your job...?) start to think of ways you can add in positive words every day. You can plan to journal/tweet/instagram/facebook/call a friend or your mom and tell them a positive thought/event every day. Put it in your calendar and set a reminder.

Two things happen. The first is, for that moment you were finding a positive message you weren't complaining. Congrats! And by changing that thought and behavior pattern, even so slightly, you will start to find more times that you are actively seeking and enjoying the positive things in your day - which naturally crowds out those negative thoughts that make you complain.

Let's see, another example? If you're trying to give up sweets, it's probably going to be so much easier to flip it around to adding in something else that you enjoy consistently instead. A logical place to start is with a list of delicious whole foods you like and just plan to add them in every day. If you are having a juicy mango for breakfast, dates and pecans (which taste like pecan pie btw), a delicious cheese and apple, (plain) coconut milk in your coffee etc. through the day, you just won't be hungry enough for the sweets. Next thing you know, you aren't downing white sugar and HFCS constantly and are feeling proud about your new good habits. (Do you notice that grabbing gorgeous fruits and a bag of nuts at the store are as easy as choosing candy bars and a 5 lb bag of white sugar?)

Again, you have a couple great bonus things happening. Instead of just using up all your strength and willpower to eliminate a single "bad" thing, you're adding in more whole foods and get greater nutrition, better health and more energy plus most people find that their food bills go down when they see the difference in spending $ on satisfying whole foods vs $$$$ on binge inducing sweets and processed sugars that aren't beneficial to really feeling good.

So, now tell me - what changes are you trying to make? Can you flip it around and make it a no-brainer?

Add in the good to squeeze out the bad and let me know how it goes!

How About Those New Year's Resolutions?

So, it's the last week of January and a lot of us still have those New Year's resolutions that we haven't started and once February 1 comes, we are 95% less likely to ever start them!

Today, I want to encourage you to take one small step toward your goal/resolution, if you haven't already. It doesn't have to be big or take a long time...and let me know how I can help! Do you need suggestions to spark some action? I've come up with a quick list below to help get you started. **I am NOT affiliated with any of the resources, I have used them personally so I'm only sharing, not endorsing.**

If your goals are health oriented:

Put your exercise equipment somewhere convenient so you will be reminded to use it.

Find a local organic produce store or delivery service. Try a search for "organic food delivery (insert your city)". Having a regularly scheduled delivery of produce will help you work those into your daily meals and start to crowd out the junk food. Here's a website that can help you find one too: http://www.seriouseats.com/2013/07/guide-to-farm-to-door-delivery-services-usa.html

Don't force yourself to do long workouts. Give yourself permission to do 1 minute, 5 minutes or whatever will fit into your schedule. For example, do jumping jacks or lift free weights (cans of veggies work!) in your kitchen while you heat up food in the microwave or do a couple stretches while the coffee brews. I promise, even if you start tiny every step gets you closer to your goal, momentum will carry you.

Check out http://www.hulu.com/tv/genres/health-and-wellness, https://www.youtube.com/ or your library for a ton of free workout and cooking shows as well as health news.

If your goal is money or career oriented:

Find out if you're being paid what you're worth. Here are 3 sites to get you started: http://www.glassdoor.com/index.htm http://www.payscale.com/ http://www.salary.com/

If you're a freelancer, search for a book or blog on how to negotiate your rates and increase the value you provide. Two people I read/watch each week are: http://www.marieforleo.com/ and http://fourhourworkweek.com/blog/

Increase your skills! Find a cheap, online, anytime class in a topic you've always wanted to pursue. I've taken a few (live & free!) here: https://www.creativelive.com/ they also have a catalog of recorded classes on tons of business and creative topics. If you can afford a little more or your company will help foot the cost shop here too: http://www.amanet.org/

Track your spending/Budget. You can buy software or use a simple spreadsheet. Try a google search "budget templates" "spending tracker" and find a format that works for you. Once you can see how much money you are spending on different categories, you are empowered to make better choices and feel confident in them. Here's a couple sites to start: https://templates.office.com/en-us/Budgets or Google personal finance templates. The beauty of using a spreadsheet like this is that you can rename the categories to fit your personal preferences.

If your goal is purely personal development:

More an more universities and colleges offer online programs or even post the class syllabus for various classes. You can do a self study in almost any topic from an ivy league school, for free, just by following the syllabus.

Look through the community paper and rec center catalogs before you throw them in the recycle bin. You might be surprised what they offer. For less than the cost of dinner at a restaurant you can take classes in specialized software, yoga, finances, crafts like knitting or pottery and so many more.

If your goal is spiritual...let's talk! This can be such a personal and multi-faceted goal that generic suggestions can actually be off-putting and I refuse to discourage you.

What did I forget? I'd love to hear what your resolution/goal is for this year.

Balance - what are you getting for your sacrifice?

The last couple weeks we've been having many conversations about living a balanced life, specifically when it comes to your job. Are you the kind of person that lives to work or works to live? Maybe it's not that simple.

We have been talking about the value around how much time you spend on the job and commuting vs leisure at home with family and friends. Although many people still have a 9-5 type job where the boundaries and compensation of those hours are very clear, there are many more people in "exempt" (or salaried) positions who find that those boundaries are not as clear and recently becoming more and more broken. It might start with an employer provided smart phone (sometimes considered compensation) or even working at home, that allows coworkers to get in touch with you 24/7 and vice versa, which makes "going to the office" more and more irrelevant to get business done. This brings a lot of apparent freedom for an individual who can more easily take care of personal tasks during times that used to be off limits due to office hours, but it also carries a sacrifice when there is no "out of office" hours anymore and life becomes a constant cacophony of work and personal, all intermingled. Most of us start to experience heightened stress levels and even physical illness when we aren't able to isolate different parts of our lives that need to be handled in different ways.

Further, employers like to market these flexible work arrangements as non-monetary compensation, all but ignoring the huge benefit to the company in having employees basically on call 24/7. What it comes down to is that we have to take more personal responsibility for setting expectations and boundaries, based on the benefits vs sacrifice in each situation.

The good news is that this isn't a new problem, as long as there has been work a person had to decide how much they were willing to do before they took a break to do something else. What is new is the technology which doesn't discriminate between an email from your spouse, a tweet from a stranger or a call from your boss when it's on. It will prompt you constantly with reminder tones, if you let it, and managing those alerts can be a job in itself.

At the end of the day, we each have to decide how much of a sacrifice our personal time is compared to the benefit of a flexible work location or how often we are willing to answer those business messages compared to the compensation we receive to do so. Do you love your job so the sacrifice isn't significant? Is work interfering with your close, loving relationships because you're afraid to miss an important message? Are you missing out on life because you're tied to a screen waiting for the next bit of information to cross it? Or are you out enjoying more because you can answer those calls ala carte? It's a tough call sometimes and these are questions I pose often.

What are your thoughts?

On a related note, a friend of mine mentioned that in the "old days" people's livelihood was their life. For example, farmers and people who own their own business such as a store or restaurant. Although they might not have a boss pinging them past bed time, they might have customers demanding their time or sick animals to take care of into the night. How did they create balance?

A topic as old as time, I'd love to hear what you think!

You didn't waste your time, you make things better

We have all had times where we are closing out a part of our life. It might be a relationship ending or leaving a job, and we look back at it and think "What a waste, I'll never get that part of my life back." and it feels really awful. What I'd like to offer you today is a different perspective on it. No matter how wasteful it feels and how much we regret we hold, we have to know that it wasn't all in vain because we left the world a little better and that is what counts (what I mean is, it's not always all about you!).

For example, I have conversations often with people who regret an old relationship because it seems like their ex married the very next person they dated and they wonder why it couldn't have been them. To that I say, remind yourself of all the things that weren't working. Write them down and refer to the list often, if you have to. Then, realize that the time you spent with that person made them more marketable and able to make someone else happy enough to marry them! You did their new partner a huge favor, the kind of favor you wish someone else would do for you and we all know, what goes around comes around.

Another great example is when we are leaving a job. If you're choosing to leave or have been let go, chances are there's a lot of negativity around that termination and you feel like you wasted your time and efforts and you probably feel like they didn't value you like they should have. I'm not saying it isn't true, but it will help you get on with life a lot faster if you think of the ways you left that job better. Even if in your last moments there you left things an utter mess and tried to sabotage everything you could, chances are your employer will think the next person is a rock star when they clean it all up. You will have successfully given someone else temporary job security and self esteem to boot. Alternately, if you were conscientious and left the job in good shape, then the next person coming in will have an easy transition and appreciate how you made their life easier. I've been in both positions and I can tell you that from experience!

At the end of the day, you always know that things aren't what they appear and bad situations are definitely opportunities for positive growth in the world and you help make that happen!