Dealing With Bullies

Dear Cece,

Why are some people such a**holes? I'm sick of people who think that they can just pester and nag me until I give them the answer they want. I deal with several people who think that sending multiple emails/phone messages/texts/physically appearing etc is going to change my original response but all it does is make me ignore/delete them and then I feel guilty but I don't have time in my day to play those stupid games. How do I deal with them and get back some of my patience and peace in my day?

Thank you for your help,

Pulling my hair out

Dear Pulling,

What you are talking about is simply bullying. We could talk for hours about psychological, societal and personal reasons they are the way they are but the bottom line is that some people think they have the right to attack someone else who isn't doing what they want. This may sound harsh, but that is what they are doing - attacking you!

I assume you have returned their first communication with a sufficient response and they continue to harass you for more or different results and this is the bad behavior you are trying to nip in the bud.

Step 1: Forgive them. Realize that there is a reason that they are acting this way that you may never know and probably couldn't solve if you wanted to. So, take a quiet moment after you receive that bout of harassment from them and say a little prayer that they will be led to a place of peace for whatever ails them and forgive. That action alone will release you from the anger, frustration and guilt of the situation, allowing you to move forward in a positive way.

Step 2: Send them one last response, politely stating that nothing has changed and they do not need to keep "following up" or similar.

Step 3: Ignore any further contact about that particular interaction. Forgive and delete, repeat as needed.

This is probably going to be very difficult no matter what type of situation you are in with this person, whether personal or professional. You may need to talk about it with other people in your life for support and specific solutions so I'd encourage you to ask yourself, on a case by case basis, before you do so:

Will talking about it to this person make anything better? Can they help or are you just gossiping?

For instance, talking to your boss or a trusted coworker about the situation and asking for advice or mentoring around how to handle that particular person or generic situation may help stave off any complications at work and alert them to a potential disaster waiting to happen. But, talking to all your coworkers during happy hour is probably just gossip and going to shed a negative light on you and your own work ethic - don't be that person.

Pulling, my dear, I sincerely hope this helps and keep me posted on how the situation progresses!

Cece

Add The Good - Crowd Out The "Bad"

Hello everyone!

Today I was reminded to share with you one of the most powerful tools I have for creating positive change that is so easy and nearly impossible to fight. It's called"crowding out".

When we set goals or are looking to make positive changes in our lives, it seems logical that we should just be able to flip a switch in our mind and stop doing the "bad" stuff, right? Then, a little while later we find that it never happened and beat ourselves up, rinse and repeat. It's not fun.

So, here's a tip that I hope will help so not only can you make great changes in your life that will really support and serve you but mainly so you can quit beating yourself up.

If you're in a "quit the bad thing" mindset, flip it over to "add more of the good thing".

For instance, if you're trying to curb the amount of time you spend complaining (in general or about a specific topic...like your job...?) start to think of ways you can add in positive words every day. You can plan to journal/tweet/instagram/facebook/call a friend or your mom and tell them a positive thought/event every day. Put it in your calendar and set a reminder.

Two things happen. The first is, for that moment you were finding a positive message you weren't complaining. Congrats! And by changing that thought and behavior pattern, even so slightly, you will start to find more times that you are actively seeking and enjoying the positive things in your day - which naturally crowds out those negative thoughts that make you complain.

Let's see, another example? If you're trying to give up sweets, it's probably going to be so much easier to flip it around to adding in something else that you enjoy consistently instead. A logical place to start is with a list of delicious whole foods you like and just plan to add them in every day. If you are having a juicy mango for breakfast, dates and pecans (which taste like pecan pie btw), a delicious cheese and apple, (plain) coconut milk in your coffee etc. through the day, you just won't be hungry enough for the sweets. Next thing you know, you aren't downing white sugar and HFCS constantly and are feeling proud about your new good habits. (Do you notice that grabbing gorgeous fruits and a bag of nuts at the store are as easy as choosing candy bars and a 5 lb bag of white sugar?)

Again, you have a couple great bonus things happening. Instead of just using up all your strength and willpower to eliminate a single "bad" thing, you're adding in more whole foods and get greater nutrition, better health and more energy plus most people find that their food bills go down when they see the difference in spending $ on satisfying whole foods vs $$$$ on binge inducing sweets and processed sugars that aren't beneficial to really feeling good.

So, now tell me - what changes are you trying to make? Can you flip it around and make it a no-brainer?

Add in the good to squeeze out the bad and let me know how it goes!