You've lost that vacation feeling

I have a question. Have you unwittingly designed a life you want to escape from?

I know a lot of people who start each week complaining that it's Monday and counting down to Friday, dragging through daily routines that feel soul crushing and commonly claim to be tired/stressed/too busy with a roll of the eyes and puffing of cheeks. In fact, I've been there too.

Some seem to enjoy the pain, but I don't believe that is the majority.  I think that they have unconsciously built a life that they want to escape from but don't know how, akin to Stockholm syndrome, only they are their own captor.

Then, they take a vacation or enjoy a weekend and find that it takes a couple days just to detach from things, have some fun and then experience this new phenomenon of "Sunday Night Blues" (read about it here).  It just doesn't seem right.

I've started to think of life like those stipple paintings, where the artist creates a whole picture one tiny dot at a time (hang in here with me). They have a bigger vision so they design the color, shape and spacing of each dot to create the larger piece but you have to have distance from it to see what it is.

So, what if, instead of believing that we have to make huge, dramatic (impossible) changes to have a life we love all the time, we just took it one dot at a time, rather than trying to cram it all into those scant 2 weeks a year and then losing the second we realize it's over?

One choice, one action and one thought at a time.

Then, maybe not tomorrow but a little while from now, we could look back and see the bigger picture and be pleased with it?

I know it's possible, simple even. All it takes is conscious intention and a habit to follow that intention.

For example, I currently intend to enjoy my life to the extreme, so I consider the prospect of enjoyment in everything I do.

Of course, I don't enjoy everything I do (cleaning bathrooms comes to mind) so the question sometimes is: how can I appreciate this?  

At first I didn't remember my intention because I was so busy with my old habit of just getting stuff done like a zombie and life still sucked, a lot.  I needed to remind myself so I started small with notes and items around my house, like a note on the fridge or a lipstick I love on my vanity to trigger that thought.  It only took a few days before I had an automatic, silent mantra: Do I enjoy this?  Sure, some of my choices haven't met the test and I'm not 100% blissed out all the time but when I look back, I can truly say the grand picture pleases me. I don't want to escape from it at all, I want to be tethered to it as it just keeps getting better and better.

I've moved on to bigger things as I gain more confidence and unlearn the concept of "no pain, no gain" and I'm living a life now where there are no more Sunday night blues or vacation withdrawal.  Each dot on my canvas gets me closer to a masterpiece - to my bigger vision, rather than just leading down a chaotic maze.  Do you want that too?

I have a second question for you now. What do you want your life to feel like? 

That is the secret sauce in this formula. To paraphrase Tim Ferriss:  "You don't want a million dollars, you want the life you think a million dollars will give you." Swap out "dollars" for friends/fame/belongings/career/etc. and it still stands. 

So, my advice is to remind yourself of the feeling and try to experience it as often as possible (set up reminders) and I think one day you'll look back and see that you have tossed away the life you wanted to escape and you're living one designed exactly how you like.

This is your life...

Let's play a game today. Take a few moments right now to look around you, really take everything in. What do you smell, feel, hear?

I'll wait...take as long as you need.

.....................................................................................................

Now, I want you to take one more look before you finish reading this and say out loud, “This is my life.”

How does that feel? Do you feel proud or disappointed? Are you relaxed and happy or stressed out and frustrated? How does your body feel when you say it?

One day, I took a break to have my favorite cup of tea outside during a gorgeous morning, the sunrise was breath taking and the flowers were blooming and fragrant, it was the kind of morning you wish you could just freeze frame forever. I thought, “What if this could be my life?” My heart unclenched and it hit me like a ton of bricks – It is! Colleen Bean...This.Is.Your.Life. Duh, right? 

But what I realized in that moment was that I got caught up in the doing of life – the job, the errands, the obligations, the un-fun things and looking toward a future “some day” when I would have done enough to finally have my dream life but all the while, here was my dream peeking in randomly, a minute at a time, but I was glossing over it.

I wonder if you feel that way too.

I made a pretty radical decision that day to live my dreams now because I didn't want to be disappointed or frustrated for one more second. I didn't want to die with regrets and I was acutely aware that death can come at any second (not in a morbid way, seriously).

You probably don't want to make such a radical decision as I did, or maybe you do. But, I want to invite you to the party, either way.

It's easy.

The first step is to just be aware of what is going on around you. Stop a few times a day and really experience what you are doing and what's going on around you. Maybe say to yourself, “This is my life!” - see how it feels. Take note of the things that make your heart happy and lean into them just a little longer. Extend those moments of love, hugs, fun, beauty and joy as long as you can and maybe a little longer. 

I promise, your life will get dreamy instantly.  Let me know how it goes.

A Musing About Pleasure

This morning I was having a gorgeous glass (or 3) of my (new) favorite (Italian) bubbly at the lodge and living my dreamy life.

I enjoyed that first sip and those first rays of sun so much, I thought I should share the joy so I pulled out my phone and snapped a picture for Instagram, but my hand looked awkward, so I took another which was blurry...you know the drill. Finally, I had this lovely picture, the sun was glinting perfectly and I posted it.

At that point, I realized that I had just spent some very precious moments of my life on something that was a shadow of the rich, pleasure filled moment. That picture I posted wasn't even a teeny glimpse into the magnificence of this gorgeous instant.

I missed out on being delighted in the occasion while the sun was traveling across the sky in an amazing light show, the sweet cold drink that I could have sipped like a hedonist while I enjoyed my company, the time and the space.

Instead, I stepped out of the moment (with good intention!) to share it with my loved ones far and wide who couldn't be here with me.

So, what is my point? I'm not sure, exactly. I think it is to inspire you to live without distraction in the moments you cherish most. To not make my mistake of taking a few frustrating pictures that caused me to judge the quality of the sun, the breeze, the position of my hand...which were perfect, except for the camera, and should have been savored.

It is not to discourage you from sharing your moments, not at all!  Just to be aware that, if in that moment your soul whispers to you to fully immerse yourself in it and ignore the rest of us, DO IT! Tell me about it later when you're sick in bed with a cold...”Once upon a time on this gorgeous day...” I'll appreciate it just as much then.

Dear Cece, I want my stuff back!

Dear Cece,

I broke up with my boyfriend but we lived together and now he won't let me back in to get my things. He said he will pack them up and I can come get them in the lobby of our building next week. I'm worried that he will keep or damage things since it was a bad break up. What can I do?

-A

Dear A,

I'm not a lawyer, so first off I'd suggest you contact one or at least the police and see what legal rights you have about your property.

As for the emotional situation you're dealing with, my advice is to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I, myself, have been through bad breakups and lost things in the process that I wish(ed) to keep (and don't miss them at all now!) so will you.

The hardest part of breaking up though, is the emotional loss of a huge part of your lifestyle and a person you valued so much. The first step is to forgive yourself for any resentment you have around it and forgive him for any wrongs you blame him for. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, it means releasing from the negativity that bleeds into every other part of your life and keeps you from fully receiving all the good things around you. Release your regrets, anger and negativity so you can move on. I know, this is easier said than done but if you are even a tiny bit willing to forgive, it will happen and these belongings you're worried about will seem less crucial to your happiness.

As for your property, again this is easier said than done, but try to remember that it doesn't make you happy and you aren't your stuff. It's all just mementos of your life and what you really value are the experiences and memories that are associated with it – cherish those. Forgive him if things are broken or missing, intentional or not.

Don't get me wrong, if you have valuable items and irreplaceable family heirlooms, you should fully expect them to be returned and pursue that! I'm just saying, there's always more of everything in this world but if you spend your energy and your life obsessing over what you can't control, you won't have the opportunity to bring in more shiny new things and amazing experiences into your life.

On a side note, you might find that a lot of those things hold bad memories of your old relationship and you won't want them later anyway.

Everyone has "baggage" make sure what you're hauling around is worth it to you. :)

I hope this helps, please let me know how it goes!

Lots of Love,

Cece

Getting What You Really Want

Dear Cece,

There is a woman I see often that has everything I want. I've tried the old advice of doing what she does, if I want what she has, and it's not working.

I don't know how else to get those things, what should I do?

- B

Dear B,

I have a question for you. Do you actually want what she has, exactly, or do you just think you want it?

It's great that you have been inspired to achieve your desires but I wonder if you're focusing on a perception that may not be realistic. I'd also like to invite you to create your own unique and spectacular life instead of trying to be a copy of someone else.

Take some time to journal about the things she has that you want and get really specific about what they are and the feeling that they would bring you. You might be surprised that it isn't the item or the picture you see that you want but the feelings around it that inspire you.

I think you will get more clarity on what it is you actually desire and open up for the effortless and creative ways to get it, unique to your personality and abilities.

On a basic level, you are a different person than she is in many ways. So, trying to copy her isn't going to achieve the same result. In the same vein, even if it did, you might find that result isn't actually satisfying you like you think it will.

Let me know, after a little introspection, what the feelings are you desire that these things represent to you and let's explore how to get what you really want!

Love,

Cece

I'll Get Back To You

Dear Cece,

Today, as I was running an errand I didn't want to do, for someone I don't really want to help, I was suddenly struck with the thought “What if I died in a car wreck while I was running this errand? That would be a real waste of my life!” So now I'm having an emotional crisis because life is full of doing things that aren't fun but you can't just quit doing them unless you want to live in a box under a bridge and that's no fun either, right? What's your advice for me?

- Just the Errand Girl

Dear Girl,

I think you already know my answer but here it is, short and sweet. You need to start setting healthy boundaries and making more strategic decisions because there is a lot more going on here than just a random errand that made you question the worth of your life (don't worry I will help you).

Now back to the the details:

Obviously, the ideal situation when asked to do something for others is to be able to say an honest “yes” or “no” immediately, based on your current priorities and resources. If that isn't possible, I invite you to start practicing this phrase: “I'll get back to you”. Say it with me (smile kindly)... “I'll get back to you.”

Now, when someone asks you to do a task for them, say those magic words and leave their presence even if only for 1 minute (bonus list of excuses at the bottom of this page). Find a moment to suss out if this task is important and actionable for you (we can talk more about priorities later, but you'll already have a gut instinct here – use it) or could be delegated to someone else who would appreciate it more.

Don't feel guilty if you decide it's the latter. I believe that we each have a specific purpose on this Earth, that's why we all have unique abilities, desires and preferences. What you leave undone is an opportunity for someone who wants to do it. I know that sounds a little flaky, but companies like Task Rabbit*, Fancy hands* and your local handyman are perfect examples of how true it is.

Back to your profound errand experience, I think examining your revelation of what constitutes a waste of life is a bigger undertaking than I can address here, so call me and we'll get started privately, if you'd like.

I hope this first simple step of allowing yourself to take a beat before committing to anything more in life will move you toward a better use of your unique gifts and set your mind at ease about how you're spending your life, my dear!

Please let me know how it goes!

Lots of love,

Cece

P.S. Here's your quick list of truthful, buy time fast excuses:

I have to go powder my nose/use the restroom

Let me check my schedule to see if I can do it

I have to make a call/send a message later and see if I can fit it in

I have to check with _(person)_ because I promised them my time that day

I would like to talk to you more about that later, right now I have to __(insert activity or meeting you are on your way to do)__.

*No affiliation or endorsement, just pertinent examples

Burn That Bridge To Keep The Zombies Away

Dear Cece,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating seriously for a long time now and basically, I feel like we have a life together and it's fine but something in my soul feels like there should be more. Like I should be madly in love with the man I'm spending my life with and intoxicated by our life together rather than tolerate it because that is what I have.

I'm not the type to start “shopping” around for a new man and entertaining his social circle keeps me too busy to get one of my my own (since being with him, I've lost many of my own friendships) so I feel like without him I don't have any life at all, much less the potential for something thrilling.

If I break up with him, I'm afraid I'll hurt us both too much and I'll be completely alone and I don't know how to start over. I don't want to start over, actually, I've been working on this one a long time and part of me thinks it's ok to just be “ok” and have a “normal” life. And what if he wouldn't take me back if I wanted to?

What should I do?

Desperately,

Afraid to burn the bridges

Dear Afraid To Burn,

I think we have all been in a situation that was at best mediocre, like you're describing, and understand how difficult it can be to have a clear perspective on what the next right action is.

Do you play it safe (and how long can you stand to)? Or do you listen to that voice in your soul calling out for something...more?

Here's what I want you to do. Go get a quarter. Now flip it and let it fall to the floor – heads you keep your “ok” life, tails you bust out of the rut and burn with the heat of a thousand fires toward that mad love and exciting existence that's quietly calling you, bridges be damned.

Which side is up? How do you feel about that? There's your answer.

Please follow up with me, I really want to know what you decide!

Lots of Love,

Cece

P.S. Sometimes you have to burn that bridge to keep the zombies from catching you and turning you in to one of them.