I'll Get Back To You

Dear Cece,

Today, as I was running an errand I didn't want to do, for someone I don't really want to help, I was suddenly struck with the thought “What if I died in a car wreck while I was running this errand? That would be a real waste of my life!” So now I'm having an emotional crisis because life is full of doing things that aren't fun but you can't just quit doing them unless you want to live in a box under a bridge and that's no fun either, right? What's your advice for me?

- Just the Errand Girl

Dear Girl,

I think you already know my answer but here it is, short and sweet. You need to start setting healthy boundaries and making more strategic decisions because there is a lot more going on here than just a random errand that made you question the worth of your life (don't worry I will help you).

Now back to the the details:

Obviously, the ideal situation when asked to do something for others is to be able to say an honest “yes” or “no” immediately, based on your current priorities and resources. If that isn't possible, I invite you to start practicing this phrase: “I'll get back to you”. Say it with me (smile kindly)... “I'll get back to you.”

Now, when someone asks you to do a task for them, say those magic words and leave their presence even if only for 1 minute (bonus list of excuses at the bottom of this page). Find a moment to suss out if this task is important and actionable for you (we can talk more about priorities later, but you'll already have a gut instinct here – use it) or could be delegated to someone else who would appreciate it more.

Don't feel guilty if you decide it's the latter. I believe that we each have a specific purpose on this Earth, that's why we all have unique abilities, desires and preferences. What you leave undone is an opportunity for someone who wants to do it. I know that sounds a little flaky, but companies like Task Rabbit*, Fancy hands* and your local handyman are perfect examples of how true it is.

Back to your profound errand experience, I think examining your revelation of what constitutes a waste of life is a bigger undertaking than I can address here, so call me and we'll get started privately, if you'd like.

I hope this first simple step of allowing yourself to take a beat before committing to anything more in life will move you toward a better use of your unique gifts and set your mind at ease about how you're spending your life, my dear!

Please let me know how it goes!

Lots of love,

Cece

P.S. Here's your quick list of truthful, buy time fast excuses:

I have to go powder my nose/use the restroom

Let me check my schedule to see if I can do it

I have to make a call/send a message later and see if I can fit it in

I have to check with _(person)_ because I promised them my time that day

I would like to talk to you more about that later, right now I have to __(insert activity or meeting you are on your way to do)__.

*No affiliation or endorsement, just pertinent examples

Burn That Bridge To Keep The Zombies Away

Dear Cece,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating seriously for a long time now and basically, I feel like we have a life together and it's fine but something in my soul feels like there should be more. Like I should be madly in love with the man I'm spending my life with and intoxicated by our life together rather than tolerate it because that is what I have.

I'm not the type to start “shopping” around for a new man and entertaining his social circle keeps me too busy to get one of my my own (since being with him, I've lost many of my own friendships) so I feel like without him I don't have any life at all, much less the potential for something thrilling.

If I break up with him, I'm afraid I'll hurt us both too much and I'll be completely alone and I don't know how to start over. I don't want to start over, actually, I've been working on this one a long time and part of me thinks it's ok to just be “ok” and have a “normal” life. And what if he wouldn't take me back if I wanted to?

What should I do?

Desperately,

Afraid to burn the bridges

Dear Afraid To Burn,

I think we have all been in a situation that was at best mediocre, like you're describing, and understand how difficult it can be to have a clear perspective on what the next right action is.

Do you play it safe (and how long can you stand to)? Or do you listen to that voice in your soul calling out for something...more?

Here's what I want you to do. Go get a quarter. Now flip it and let it fall to the floor – heads you keep your “ok” life, tails you bust out of the rut and burn with the heat of a thousand fires toward that mad love and exciting existence that's quietly calling you, bridges be damned.

Which side is up? How do you feel about that? There's your answer.

Please follow up with me, I really want to know what you decide!

Lots of Love,

Cece

P.S. Sometimes you have to burn that bridge to keep the zombies from catching you and turning you in to one of them.

Dealing With Bullies

Dear Cece,

Why are some people such a**holes? I'm sick of people who think that they can just pester and nag me until I give them the answer they want. I deal with several people who think that sending multiple emails/phone messages/texts/physically appearing etc is going to change my original response but all it does is make me ignore/delete them and then I feel guilty but I don't have time in my day to play those stupid games. How do I deal with them and get back some of my patience and peace in my day?

Thank you for your help,

Pulling my hair out

Dear Pulling,

What you are talking about is simply bullying. We could talk for hours about psychological, societal and personal reasons they are the way they are but the bottom line is that some people think they have the right to attack someone else who isn't doing what they want. This may sound harsh, but that is what they are doing - attacking you!

I assume you have returned their first communication with a sufficient response and they continue to harass you for more or different results and this is the bad behavior you are trying to nip in the bud.

Step 1: Forgive them. Realize that there is a reason that they are acting this way that you may never know and probably couldn't solve if you wanted to. So, take a quiet moment after you receive that bout of harassment from them and say a little prayer that they will be led to a place of peace for whatever ails them and forgive. That action alone will release you from the anger, frustration and guilt of the situation, allowing you to move forward in a positive way.

Step 2: Send them one last response, politely stating that nothing has changed and they do not need to keep "following up" or similar.

Step 3: Ignore any further contact about that particular interaction. Forgive and delete, repeat as needed.

This is probably going to be very difficult no matter what type of situation you are in with this person, whether personal or professional. You may need to talk about it with other people in your life for support and specific solutions so I'd encourage you to ask yourself, on a case by case basis, before you do so:

Will talking about it to this person make anything better? Can they help or are you just gossiping?

For instance, talking to your boss or a trusted coworker about the situation and asking for advice or mentoring around how to handle that particular person or generic situation may help stave off any complications at work and alert them to a potential disaster waiting to happen. But, talking to all your coworkers during happy hour is probably just gossip and going to shed a negative light on you and your own work ethic - don't be that person.

Pulling, my dear, I sincerely hope this helps and keep me posted on how the situation progresses!

Cece

Add The Good - Crowd Out The "Bad"

Hello everyone!

Today I was reminded to share with you one of the most powerful tools I have for creating positive change that is so easy and nearly impossible to fight. It's called"crowding out".

When we set goals or are looking to make positive changes in our lives, it seems logical that we should just be able to flip a switch in our mind and stop doing the "bad" stuff, right? Then, a little while later we find that it never happened and beat ourselves up, rinse and repeat. It's not fun.

So, here's a tip that I hope will help so not only can you make great changes in your life that will really support and serve you but mainly so you can quit beating yourself up.

If you're in a "quit the bad thing" mindset, flip it over to "add more of the good thing".

For instance, if you're trying to curb the amount of time you spend complaining (in general or about a specific topic...like your job...?) start to think of ways you can add in positive words every day. You can plan to journal/tweet/instagram/facebook/call a friend or your mom and tell them a positive thought/event every day. Put it in your calendar and set a reminder.

Two things happen. The first is, for that moment you were finding a positive message you weren't complaining. Congrats! And by changing that thought and behavior pattern, even so slightly, you will start to find more times that you are actively seeking and enjoying the positive things in your day - which naturally crowds out those negative thoughts that make you complain.

Let's see, another example? If you're trying to give up sweets, it's probably going to be so much easier to flip it around to adding in something else that you enjoy consistently instead. A logical place to start is with a list of delicious whole foods you like and just plan to add them in every day. If you are having a juicy mango for breakfast, dates and pecans (which taste like pecan pie btw), a delicious cheese and apple, (plain) coconut milk in your coffee etc. through the day, you just won't be hungry enough for the sweets. Next thing you know, you aren't downing white sugar and HFCS constantly and are feeling proud about your new good habits. (Do you notice that grabbing gorgeous fruits and a bag of nuts at the store are as easy as choosing candy bars and a 5 lb bag of white sugar?)

Again, you have a couple great bonus things happening. Instead of just using up all your strength and willpower to eliminate a single "bad" thing, you're adding in more whole foods and get greater nutrition, better health and more energy plus most people find that their food bills go down when they see the difference in spending $ on satisfying whole foods vs $$$$ on binge inducing sweets and processed sugars that aren't beneficial to really feeling good.

So, now tell me - what changes are you trying to make? Can you flip it around and make it a no-brainer?

Add in the good to squeeze out the bad and let me know how it goes!

How About Those New Year's Resolutions?

So, it's the last week of January and a lot of us still have those New Year's resolutions that we haven't started and once February 1 comes, we are 95% less likely to ever start them!

Today, I want to encourage you to take one small step toward your goal/resolution, if you haven't already. It doesn't have to be big or take a long time...and let me know how I can help! Do you need suggestions to spark some action? I've come up with a quick list below to help get you started. **I am NOT affiliated with any of the resources, I have used them personally so I'm only sharing, not endorsing.**

If your goals are health oriented:

Put your exercise equipment somewhere convenient so you will be reminded to use it.

Find a local organic produce store or delivery service. Try a search for "organic food delivery (insert your city)". Having a regularly scheduled delivery of produce will help you work those into your daily meals and start to crowd out the junk food. Here's a website that can help you find one too: http://www.seriouseats.com/2013/07/guide-to-farm-to-door-delivery-services-usa.html

Don't force yourself to do long workouts. Give yourself permission to do 1 minute, 5 minutes or whatever will fit into your schedule. For example, do jumping jacks or lift free weights (cans of veggies work!) in your kitchen while you heat up food in the microwave or do a couple stretches while the coffee brews. I promise, even if you start tiny every step gets you closer to your goal, momentum will carry you.

Check out http://www.hulu.com/tv/genres/health-and-wellness, https://www.youtube.com/ or your library for a ton of free workout and cooking shows as well as health news.

If your goal is money or career oriented:

Find out if you're being paid what you're worth. Here are 3 sites to get you started: http://www.glassdoor.com/index.htm http://www.payscale.com/ http://www.salary.com/

If you're a freelancer, search for a book or blog on how to negotiate your rates and increase the value you provide. Two people I read/watch each week are: http://www.marieforleo.com/ and http://fourhourworkweek.com/blog/

Increase your skills! Find a cheap, online, anytime class in a topic you've always wanted to pursue. I've taken a few (live & free!) here: https://www.creativelive.com/ they also have a catalog of recorded classes on tons of business and creative topics. If you can afford a little more or your company will help foot the cost shop here too: http://www.amanet.org/

Track your spending/Budget. You can buy software or use a simple spreadsheet. Try a google search "budget templates" "spending tracker" and find a format that works for you. Once you can see how much money you are spending on different categories, you are empowered to make better choices and feel confident in them. Here's a couple sites to start: https://templates.office.com/en-us/Budgets or Google personal finance templates. The beauty of using a spreadsheet like this is that you can rename the categories to fit your personal preferences.

If your goal is purely personal development:

More an more universities and colleges offer online programs or even post the class syllabus for various classes. You can do a self study in almost any topic from an ivy league school, for free, just by following the syllabus.

Look through the community paper and rec center catalogs before you throw them in the recycle bin. You might be surprised what they offer. For less than the cost of dinner at a restaurant you can take classes in specialized software, yoga, finances, crafts like knitting or pottery and so many more.

If your goal is spiritual...let's talk! This can be such a personal and multi-faceted goal that generic suggestions can actually be off-putting and I refuse to discourage you.

What did I forget? I'd love to hear what your resolution/goal is for this year.

Balance - what are you getting for your sacrifice?

The last couple weeks we've been having many conversations about living a balanced life, specifically when it comes to your job. Are you the kind of person that lives to work or works to live? Maybe it's not that simple.

We have been talking about the value around how much time you spend on the job and commuting vs leisure at home with family and friends. Although many people still have a 9-5 type job where the boundaries and compensation of those hours are very clear, there are many more people in "exempt" (or salaried) positions who find that those boundaries are not as clear and recently becoming more and more broken. It might start with an employer provided smart phone (sometimes considered compensation) or even working at home, that allows coworkers to get in touch with you 24/7 and vice versa, which makes "going to the office" more and more irrelevant to get business done. This brings a lot of apparent freedom for an individual who can more easily take care of personal tasks during times that used to be off limits due to office hours, but it also carries a sacrifice when there is no "out of office" hours anymore and life becomes a constant cacophony of work and personal, all intermingled. Most of us start to experience heightened stress levels and even physical illness when we aren't able to isolate different parts of our lives that need to be handled in different ways.

Further, employers like to market these flexible work arrangements as non-monetary compensation, all but ignoring the huge benefit to the company in having employees basically on call 24/7. What it comes down to is that we have to take more personal responsibility for setting expectations and boundaries, based on the benefits vs sacrifice in each situation.

The good news is that this isn't a new problem, as long as there has been work a person had to decide how much they were willing to do before they took a break to do something else. What is new is the technology which doesn't discriminate between an email from your spouse, a tweet from a stranger or a call from your boss when it's on. It will prompt you constantly with reminder tones, if you let it, and managing those alerts can be a job in itself.

At the end of the day, we each have to decide how much of a sacrifice our personal time is compared to the benefit of a flexible work location or how often we are willing to answer those business messages compared to the compensation we receive to do so. Do you love your job so the sacrifice isn't significant? Is work interfering with your close, loving relationships because you're afraid to miss an important message? Are you missing out on life because you're tied to a screen waiting for the next bit of information to cross it? Or are you out enjoying more because you can answer those calls ala carte? It's a tough call sometimes and these are questions I pose often.

What are your thoughts?

On a related note, a friend of mine mentioned that in the "old days" people's livelihood was their life. For example, farmers and people who own their own business such as a store or restaurant. Although they might not have a boss pinging them past bed time, they might have customers demanding their time or sick animals to take care of into the night. How did they create balance?

A topic as old as time, I'd love to hear what you think!

You didn't waste your time, you make things better

We have all had times where we are closing out a part of our life. It might be a relationship ending or leaving a job, and we look back at it and think "What a waste, I'll never get that part of my life back." and it feels really awful. What I'd like to offer you today is a different perspective on it. No matter how wasteful it feels and how much we regret we hold, we have to know that it wasn't all in vain because we left the world a little better and that is what counts (what I mean is, it's not always all about you!).

For example, I have conversations often with people who regret an old relationship because it seems like their ex married the very next person they dated and they wonder why it couldn't have been them. To that I say, remind yourself of all the things that weren't working. Write them down and refer to the list often, if you have to. Then, realize that the time you spent with that person made them more marketable and able to make someone else happy enough to marry them! You did their new partner a huge favor, the kind of favor you wish someone else would do for you and we all know, what goes around comes around.

Another great example is when we are leaving a job. If you're choosing to leave or have been let go, chances are there's a lot of negativity around that termination and you feel like you wasted your time and efforts and you probably feel like they didn't value you like they should have. I'm not saying it isn't true, but it will help you get on with life a lot faster if you think of the ways you left that job better. Even if in your last moments there you left things an utter mess and tried to sabotage everything you could, chances are your employer will think the next person is a rock star when they clean it all up. You will have successfully given someone else temporary job security and self esteem to boot. Alternately, if you were conscientious and left the job in good shape, then the next person coming in will have an easy transition and appreciate how you made their life easier. I've been in both positions and I can tell you that from experience!

At the end of the day, you always know that things aren't what they appear and bad situations are definitely opportunities for positive growth in the world and you help make that happen!