Dealing With Bullies

Dear Cece,

Why are some people such a**holes? I'm sick of people who think that they can just pester and nag me until I give them the answer they want. I deal with several people who think that sending multiple emails/phone messages/texts/physically appearing etc is going to change my original response but all it does is make me ignore/delete them and then I feel guilty but I don't have time in my day to play those stupid games. How do I deal with them and get back some of my patience and peace in my day?

Thank you for your help,

Pulling my hair out

Dear Pulling,

What you are talking about is simply bullying. We could talk for hours about psychological, societal and personal reasons they are the way they are but the bottom line is that some people think they have the right to attack someone else who isn't doing what they want. This may sound harsh, but that is what they are doing - attacking you!

I assume you have returned their first communication with a sufficient response and they continue to harass you for more or different results and this is the bad behavior you are trying to nip in the bud.

Step 1: Forgive them. Realize that there is a reason that they are acting this way that you may never know and probably couldn't solve if you wanted to. So, take a quiet moment after you receive that bout of harassment from them and say a little prayer that they will be led to a place of peace for whatever ails them and forgive. That action alone will release you from the anger, frustration and guilt of the situation, allowing you to move forward in a positive way.

Step 2: Send them one last response, politely stating that nothing has changed and they do not need to keep "following up" or similar.

Step 3: Ignore any further contact about that particular interaction. Forgive and delete, repeat as needed.

This is probably going to be very difficult no matter what type of situation you are in with this person, whether personal or professional. You may need to talk about it with other people in your life for support and specific solutions so I'd encourage you to ask yourself, on a case by case basis, before you do so:

Will talking about it to this person make anything better? Can they help or are you just gossiping?

For instance, talking to your boss or a trusted coworker about the situation and asking for advice or mentoring around how to handle that particular person or generic situation may help stave off any complications at work and alert them to a potential disaster waiting to happen. But, talking to all your coworkers during happy hour is probably just gossip and going to shed a negative light on you and your own work ethic - don't be that person.

Pulling, my dear, I sincerely hope this helps and keep me posted on how the situation progresses!

Cece

Add The Good - Crowd Out The "Bad"

Hello everyone!

Today I was reminded to share with you one of the most powerful tools I have for creating positive change that is so easy and nearly impossible to fight. It's called"crowding out".

When we set goals or are looking to make positive changes in our lives, it seems logical that we should just be able to flip a switch in our mind and stop doing the "bad" stuff, right? Then, a little while later we find that it never happened and beat ourselves up, rinse and repeat. It's not fun.

So, here's a tip that I hope will help so not only can you make great changes in your life that will really support and serve you but mainly so you can quit beating yourself up.

If you're in a "quit the bad thing" mindset, flip it over to "add more of the good thing".

For instance, if you're trying to curb the amount of time you spend complaining (in general or about a specific topic...like your job...?) start to think of ways you can add in positive words every day. You can plan to journal/tweet/instagram/facebook/call a friend or your mom and tell them a positive thought/event every day. Put it in your calendar and set a reminder.

Two things happen. The first is, for that moment you were finding a positive message you weren't complaining. Congrats! And by changing that thought and behavior pattern, even so slightly, you will start to find more times that you are actively seeking and enjoying the positive things in your day - which naturally crowds out those negative thoughts that make you complain.

Let's see, another example? If you're trying to give up sweets, it's probably going to be so much easier to flip it around to adding in something else that you enjoy consistently instead. A logical place to start is with a list of delicious whole foods you like and just plan to add them in every day. If you are having a juicy mango for breakfast, dates and pecans (which taste like pecan pie btw), a delicious cheese and apple, (plain) coconut milk in your coffee etc. through the day, you just won't be hungry enough for the sweets. Next thing you know, you aren't downing white sugar and HFCS constantly and are feeling proud about your new good habits. (Do you notice that grabbing gorgeous fruits and a bag of nuts at the store are as easy as choosing candy bars and a 5 lb bag of white sugar?)

Again, you have a couple great bonus things happening. Instead of just using up all your strength and willpower to eliminate a single "bad" thing, you're adding in more whole foods and get greater nutrition, better health and more energy plus most people find that their food bills go down when they see the difference in spending $ on satisfying whole foods vs $$$$ on binge inducing sweets and processed sugars that aren't beneficial to really feeling good.

So, now tell me - what changes are you trying to make? Can you flip it around and make it a no-brainer?

Add in the good to squeeze out the bad and let me know how it goes!

How About Those New Year's Resolutions?

So, it's the last week of January and a lot of us still have those New Year's resolutions that we haven't started and once February 1 comes, we are 95% less likely to ever start them!

Today, I want to encourage you to take one small step toward your goal/resolution, if you haven't already. It doesn't have to be big or take a long time...and let me know how I can help! Do you need suggestions to spark some action? I've come up with a quick list below to help get you started. **I am NOT affiliated with any of the resources, I have used them personally so I'm only sharing, not endorsing.**

If your goals are health oriented:

Put your exercise equipment somewhere convenient so you will be reminded to use it.

Find a local organic produce store or delivery service. Try a search for "organic food delivery (insert your city)". Having a regularly scheduled delivery of produce will help you work those into your daily meals and start to crowd out the junk food. Here's a website that can help you find one too: http://www.seriouseats.com/2013/07/guide-to-farm-to-door-delivery-services-usa.html

Don't force yourself to do long workouts. Give yourself permission to do 1 minute, 5 minutes or whatever will fit into your schedule. For example, do jumping jacks or lift free weights (cans of veggies work!) in your kitchen while you heat up food in the microwave or do a couple stretches while the coffee brews. I promise, even if you start tiny every step gets you closer to your goal, momentum will carry you.

Check out http://www.hulu.com/tv/genres/health-and-wellness, https://www.youtube.com/ or your library for a ton of free workout and cooking shows as well as health news.

If your goal is money or career oriented:

Find out if you're being paid what you're worth. Here are 3 sites to get you started: http://www.glassdoor.com/index.htm http://www.payscale.com/ http://www.salary.com/

If you're a freelancer, search for a book or blog on how to negotiate your rates and increase the value you provide. Two people I read/watch each week are: http://www.marieforleo.com/ and http://fourhourworkweek.com/blog/

Increase your skills! Find a cheap, online, anytime class in a topic you've always wanted to pursue. I've taken a few (live & free!) here: https://www.creativelive.com/ they also have a catalog of recorded classes on tons of business and creative topics. If you can afford a little more or your company will help foot the cost shop here too: http://www.amanet.org/

Track your spending/Budget. You can buy software or use a simple spreadsheet. Try a google search "budget templates" "spending tracker" and find a format that works for you. Once you can see how much money you are spending on different categories, you are empowered to make better choices and feel confident in them. Here's a couple sites to start: https://templates.office.com/en-us/Budgets or Google personal finance templates. The beauty of using a spreadsheet like this is that you can rename the categories to fit your personal preferences.

If your goal is purely personal development:

More an more universities and colleges offer online programs or even post the class syllabus for various classes. You can do a self study in almost any topic from an ivy league school, for free, just by following the syllabus.

Look through the community paper and rec center catalogs before you throw them in the recycle bin. You might be surprised what they offer. For less than the cost of dinner at a restaurant you can take classes in specialized software, yoga, finances, crafts like knitting or pottery and so many more.

If your goal is spiritual...let's talk! This can be such a personal and multi-faceted goal that generic suggestions can actually be off-putting and I refuse to discourage you.

What did I forget? I'd love to hear what your resolution/goal is for this year.

Balance - what are you getting for your sacrifice?

The last couple weeks we've been having many conversations about living a balanced life, specifically when it comes to your job. Are you the kind of person that lives to work or works to live? Maybe it's not that simple.

We have been talking about the value around how much time you spend on the job and commuting vs leisure at home with family and friends. Although many people still have a 9-5 type job where the boundaries and compensation of those hours are very clear, there are many more people in "exempt" (or salaried) positions who find that those boundaries are not as clear and recently becoming more and more broken. It might start with an employer provided smart phone (sometimes considered compensation) or even working at home, that allows coworkers to get in touch with you 24/7 and vice versa, which makes "going to the office" more and more irrelevant to get business done. This brings a lot of apparent freedom for an individual who can more easily take care of personal tasks during times that used to be off limits due to office hours, but it also carries a sacrifice when there is no "out of office" hours anymore and life becomes a constant cacophony of work and personal, all intermingled. Most of us start to experience heightened stress levels and even physical illness when we aren't able to isolate different parts of our lives that need to be handled in different ways.

Further, employers like to market these flexible work arrangements as non-monetary compensation, all but ignoring the huge benefit to the company in having employees basically on call 24/7. What it comes down to is that we have to take more personal responsibility for setting expectations and boundaries, based on the benefits vs sacrifice in each situation.

The good news is that this isn't a new problem, as long as there has been work a person had to decide how much they were willing to do before they took a break to do something else. What is new is the technology which doesn't discriminate between an email from your spouse, a tweet from a stranger or a call from your boss when it's on. It will prompt you constantly with reminder tones, if you let it, and managing those alerts can be a job in itself.

At the end of the day, we each have to decide how much of a sacrifice our personal time is compared to the benefit of a flexible work location or how often we are willing to answer those business messages compared to the compensation we receive to do so. Do you love your job so the sacrifice isn't significant? Is work interfering with your close, loving relationships because you're afraid to miss an important message? Are you missing out on life because you're tied to a screen waiting for the next bit of information to cross it? Or are you out enjoying more because you can answer those calls ala carte? It's a tough call sometimes and these are questions I pose often.

What are your thoughts?

On a related note, a friend of mine mentioned that in the "old days" people's livelihood was their life. For example, farmers and people who own their own business such as a store or restaurant. Although they might not have a boss pinging them past bed time, they might have customers demanding their time or sick animals to take care of into the night. How did they create balance?

A topic as old as time, I'd love to hear what you think!

You didn't waste your time, you make things better

We have all had times where we are closing out a part of our life. It might be a relationship ending or leaving a job, and we look back at it and think "What a waste, I'll never get that part of my life back." and it feels really awful. What I'd like to offer you today is a different perspective on it. No matter how wasteful it feels and how much we regret we hold, we have to know that it wasn't all in vain because we left the world a little better and that is what counts (what I mean is, it's not always all about you!).

For example, I have conversations often with people who regret an old relationship because it seems like their ex married the very next person they dated and they wonder why it couldn't have been them. To that I say, remind yourself of all the things that weren't working. Write them down and refer to the list often, if you have to. Then, realize that the time you spent with that person made them more marketable and able to make someone else happy enough to marry them! You did their new partner a huge favor, the kind of favor you wish someone else would do for you and we all know, what goes around comes around.

Another great example is when we are leaving a job. If you're choosing to leave or have been let go, chances are there's a lot of negativity around that termination and you feel like you wasted your time and efforts and you probably feel like they didn't value you like they should have. I'm not saying it isn't true, but it will help you get on with life a lot faster if you think of the ways you left that job better. Even if in your last moments there you left things an utter mess and tried to sabotage everything you could, chances are your employer will think the next person is a rock star when they clean it all up. You will have successfully given someone else temporary job security and self esteem to boot. Alternately, if you were conscientious and left the job in good shape, then the next person coming in will have an easy transition and appreciate how you made their life easier. I've been in both positions and I can tell you that from experience!

At the end of the day, you always know that things aren't what they appear and bad situations are definitely opportunities for positive growth in the world and you help make that happen!

"Forget how much you're down. Think from now on."

I recently got some profound advice which has stuck in the front of my mind for days and I felt called to share it with you too.

A couple months ago I made an impulsive decision which quickly went south and have been riding it down ever since, bypassing many opportunities to cut my losses to a point where things seemed a little hopeless. Finally, here I was making a final decision - do I hold on in hopes that this will turn up again over the course of several months or do I cut my losses before it actually hits rock bottom?

So I turned to some of my "running buddies" for advice and got many brilliant ideas but one in particular really resonated. Basically, would I engage in this particular situation if it presented itself to me today, exactly as it is? "Forget how much you're down. Think: from now on."

I'm sharing this with you today because I think we all have many times when we feel discouraged over things that seem to have gone wrong. We beat ourselves up for not making the "right" decision but we need to move on anyway instead of staying trapped in that unhealthy and useless cycle.

I was lucky enough to have someone push me out of that cycle and tell me to quit worrying about the past and move on. How many times do you hear that? These words just made more sense to me, I guess. "Think: from now on."

So I started applying it to everything in my life: work, relationships and myself. So far, it's given me a better perspective and positive action and I hope it will for you too.

For example, if you're working in a job or career where you feel like you have let opportunities pass that you should have pursued, don't get bogged down about what is "lost" think about the opportunities you have now or can get ready for in the future. Say, "From now on I'm going to _______." Fill in the blank with your wish list.

We all have relationships that we wish some aspect of it was different. Things we should have said or done that the time has passed, maybe it doesn't matter anymore. Or does it? Are there things you should still say or do? Can you get ready for the next time that situation comes up and handle it better next time (believe me, there will be a next time)? "From now on..."

Is there something you should be doing for yourself that you keep putting off or think the chance is gone? Think about what you can do from now on to make sure more doesn't pass you by.

So that's my story for today and my hope that every time you are facing a situation where you want to go deep into a dark hole of disappointment and regret you'll remember to say "From now on I'm going to..." and let me know how it goes!

Lots of love from me to you!

30 second tricks to rock your day...

Hi, again!

So, did you try anything from the last post on building healthy habits (click here)? How did it go?

This week, let's talk about 2 things you can do all day, that will take 5-30 seconds and make a huge difference in how you feel and your health in general.

Most people don't think much about their breathing and identifying peak energy times during the day, but they can be 2 things that only take a few seconds but can create profound positive changes.

So, you're probably thinking that breathing is automatic, no need to think about it and, for the most part, it is. What's interesting about breathing is that we can't live without it and we can control it easily, unlike other essential bodily functions like our heart beating. Consciously controlling your breath, specifically by doing deep breathing in this example, can help you to also take control of situations and your health!

Here's what I suggest:

1. Pick a time during the day to practice doing 3 deep belly breaths. These are those big, deep breaths that expand your lower abdomen and you can even feel it in your back and hips as those muscles relax and expand to allow more space for your breath.

A good way to make this a habit is to connect it with another activity you do during your normal day. It could be before returning messages after lunch, going to the bathroom, getting a cup of coffee/tea/water, waiting in line, or picking up the kids. Anything that you do every day and have 30 seconds to tack this on to one end.

The rest is super simple. Just sit comfortably or stand with your feet planted on the floor about hip width apart, roll your shoulders back and straighten your spine so you have good posture. Then, take a deep breath in through your nose while counting silently to 5 and then exhale through your mouth to a count of 5. Repeat that 2 more times and notice how you feel.

The science behind it is that when we breathe deeply, we are giving our body and brain a signal that everything is ok, which allows our stress response to turn off and causes all sorts of great things to happen. In a state of calm our bodies begin to heal and we are able to think more clearly to be more effective rather than just react to our situation. It also gives you a bump in oxygen to increase your energy and alertness helping you feel refreshed as well.

Now, #2 is to notice your overall energy and alertness through the day and leverage it to get back more time, stress less and be happy. You probably already know if you're a morning person or night owl, right? If you want extra credit on this one, carry a calendar or notepad with you for a week (maybe in your phone), and write down the times of day when you feel tired and when you feel really productive. Even on the weekend! You'll notice a pattern like an obvious 2 PM slump or an 9 AM spike in energy.

Take advantage of those times you're really "on" to schedule your most difficult tasks or time to do plan and analyze things. Examples: if you are teaching something, plan it for your "on" time or if you need to go to the Dr. try to schedule it at a time you will be most capable to ask questions and understand instructions.

Likewise, take advantage of your less productive time frames to schedule something mundane like a dentist appointment where the hour lying in a chair drooling won't matter or do your busy work and repetitive tasks that don't require much thought. You may even find that you can adjust almost your entire schedule to take advantage of your natural energy rhythm, over time, by making these small shifts. Bonus points if you can identify these time frames in the people around you the most, because you will be able to approach them at the most opportune times as well.

The benefits are huge! When you can leverage your strengths, you'll accomplish more and do everything with more excellence. You'll also feel less stressed out, which can mean less illness and bad moods leading to a lot more fun time doing things you enjoy with the people you love. Who doesn't want that?

Let me know how it goes. As always, I love hearing from you!

Here's another personal example from me so you can really see what I mean: I can rock 11 AM -3PM like nobody's business and then I get a second wind around 7 PM - 1AM so, if I have my choice I schedule meetings during mid-day and do any work that requires thought and attention in the evening. For example, if someone wants to schedule a consult I'll always choose a time when I know I'll be thinking quicker on my feet. Then, you'll often find me doing tasks like reviewing budgets and doing follow up emails after 3 pm because they are routine.

It wasn't always like this. I struggled for years with early morning bosses who would ask for updates first thing, when I was more apt to just get my computer on and read emails until my brain fully woke up. Once I learned to quit fighting my natural rhythm and wishing I was more of a morning person, I was able to take control of the situation and compromise, even without them knowing! Needless to say this created a lot of ease in my life, lowered my stress levels and made me a lot happier and fun to be around. Believe me, your coworkers appreciate it when you're happier.

So, I started poking my head in at the end of each day with an update for my boss, when I was able to be more coherent and it worked out brilliantly :) Not only did my boss love that I was proactively giving him the info he needed rather than having to drag it out of my foggy head everyday, he had it at his finger tips when he could best process it, the next morning. Win- win.

I started setting similar expectations with everybody and people love someone who is consistent above almost all else. Knowing when they could expect a returned email or phone call from me kept a lot of the needless follow-up and chasing to a minimum, which freed up even more of my time (and theirs) so I was able to focus on more value add work.

It only took a few weeks and my boss and coworkers were often calling me a "rockstar". I went from dreading every morning and spending afternoons feeling frazzled to knowing that I was going to be able to ease in to my day and be really productive and valued.

I know you can do this too and don't hesitate to let me know if you need help.

Until next time...don't forget to breathe!