A Musing About Pleasure

This morning I was having a gorgeous glass (or 3) of my (new) favorite (Italian) bubbly at the lodge and living my dreamy life.

I enjoyed that first sip and those first rays of sun so much, I thought I should share the joy so I pulled out my phone and snapped a picture for Instagram, but my hand looked awkward, so I took another which was blurry...you know the drill. Finally, I had this lovely picture, the sun was glinting perfectly and I posted it.

At that point, I realized that I had just spent some very precious moments of my life on something that was a shadow of the rich, pleasure filled moment. That picture I posted wasn't even a teeny glimpse into the magnificence of this gorgeous instant.

I missed out on being delighted in the occasion while the sun was traveling across the sky in an amazing light show, the sweet cold drink that I could have sipped like a hedonist while I enjoyed my company, the time and the space.

Instead, I stepped out of the moment (with good intention!) to share it with my loved ones far and wide who couldn't be here with me.

So, what is my point? I'm not sure, exactly. I think it is to inspire you to live without distraction in the moments you cherish most. To not make my mistake of taking a few frustrating pictures that caused me to judge the quality of the sun, the breeze, the position of my hand...which were perfect, except for the camera, and should have been savored.

It is not to discourage you from sharing your moments, not at all!  Just to be aware that, if in that moment your soul whispers to you to fully immerse yourself in it and ignore the rest of us, DO IT! Tell me about it later when you're sick in bed with a cold...”Once upon a time on this gorgeous day...” I'll appreciate it just as much then.

Dear Cece, I want my stuff back!

Dear Cece,

I broke up with my boyfriend but we lived together and now he won't let me back in to get my things. He said he will pack them up and I can come get them in the lobby of our building next week. I'm worried that he will keep or damage things since it was a bad break up. What can I do?

-A

Dear A,

I'm not a lawyer, so first off I'd suggest you contact one or at least the police and see what legal rights you have about your property.

As for the emotional situation you're dealing with, my advice is to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I, myself, have been through bad breakups and lost things in the process that I wish(ed) to keep (and don't miss them at all now!) so will you.

The hardest part of breaking up though, is the emotional loss of a huge part of your lifestyle and a person you valued so much. The first step is to forgive yourself for any resentment you have around it and forgive him for any wrongs you blame him for. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, it means releasing from the negativity that bleeds into every other part of your life and keeps you from fully receiving all the good things around you. Release your regrets, anger and negativity so you can move on. I know, this is easier said than done but if you are even a tiny bit willing to forgive, it will happen and these belongings you're worried about will seem less crucial to your happiness.

As for your property, again this is easier said than done, but try to remember that it doesn't make you happy and you aren't your stuff. It's all just mementos of your life and what you really value are the experiences and memories that are associated with it – cherish those. Forgive him if things are broken or missing, intentional or not.

Don't get me wrong, if you have valuable items and irreplaceable family heirlooms, you should fully expect them to be returned and pursue that! I'm just saying, there's always more of everything in this world but if you spend your energy and your life obsessing over what you can't control, you won't have the opportunity to bring in more shiny new things and amazing experiences into your life.

On a side note, you might find that a lot of those things hold bad memories of your old relationship and you won't want them later anyway.

Everyone has "baggage" make sure what you're hauling around is worth it to you. :)

I hope this helps, please let me know how it goes!

Lots of Love,

Cece

Getting What You Really Want

Dear Cece,

There is a woman I see often that has everything I want. I've tried the old advice of doing what she does, if I want what she has, and it's not working.

I don't know how else to get those things, what should I do?

- B

Dear B,

I have a question for you. Do you actually want what she has, exactly, or do you just think you want it?

It's great that you have been inspired to achieve your desires but I wonder if you're focusing on a perception that may not be realistic. I'd also like to invite you to create your own unique and spectacular life instead of trying to be a copy of someone else.

Take some time to journal about the things she has that you want and get really specific about what they are and the feeling that they would bring you. You might be surprised that it isn't the item or the picture you see that you want but the feelings around it that inspire you.

I think you will get more clarity on what it is you actually desire and open up for the effortless and creative ways to get it, unique to your personality and abilities.

On a basic level, you are a different person than she is in many ways. So, trying to copy her isn't going to achieve the same result. In the same vein, even if it did, you might find that result isn't actually satisfying you like you think it will.

Let me know, after a little introspection, what the feelings are you desire that these things represent to you and let's explore how to get what you really want!

Love,

Cece

I'll Get Back To You

Dear Cece,

Today, as I was running an errand I didn't want to do, for someone I don't really want to help, I was suddenly struck with the thought “What if I died in a car wreck while I was running this errand? That would be a real waste of my life!” So now I'm having an emotional crisis because life is full of doing things that aren't fun but you can't just quit doing them unless you want to live in a box under a bridge and that's no fun either, right? What's your advice for me?

- Just the Errand Girl

Dear Girl,

I think you already know my answer but here it is, short and sweet. You need to start setting healthy boundaries and making more strategic decisions because there is a lot more going on here than just a random errand that made you question the worth of your life (don't worry I will help you).

Now back to the the details:

Obviously, the ideal situation when asked to do something for others is to be able to say an honest “yes” or “no” immediately, based on your current priorities and resources. If that isn't possible, I invite you to start practicing this phrase: “I'll get back to you”. Say it with me (smile kindly)... “I'll get back to you.”

Now, when someone asks you to do a task for them, say those magic words and leave their presence even if only for 1 minute (bonus list of excuses at the bottom of this page). Find a moment to suss out if this task is important and actionable for you (we can talk more about priorities later, but you'll already have a gut instinct here – use it) or could be delegated to someone else who would appreciate it more.

Don't feel guilty if you decide it's the latter. I believe that we each have a specific purpose on this Earth, that's why we all have unique abilities, desires and preferences. What you leave undone is an opportunity for someone who wants to do it. I know that sounds a little flaky, but companies like Task Rabbit*, Fancy hands* and your local handyman are perfect examples of how true it is.

Back to your profound errand experience, I think examining your revelation of what constitutes a waste of life is a bigger undertaking than I can address here, so call me and we'll get started privately, if you'd like.

I hope this first simple step of allowing yourself to take a beat before committing to anything more in life will move you toward a better use of your unique gifts and set your mind at ease about how you're spending your life, my dear!

Please let me know how it goes!

Lots of love,

Cece

P.S. Here's your quick list of truthful, buy time fast excuses:

I have to go powder my nose/use the restroom

Let me check my schedule to see if I can do it

I have to make a call/send a message later and see if I can fit it in

I have to check with _(person)_ because I promised them my time that day

I would like to talk to you more about that later, right now I have to __(insert activity or meeting you are on your way to do)__.

*No affiliation or endorsement, just pertinent examples

Burn That Bridge To Keep The Zombies Away

Dear Cece,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating seriously for a long time now and basically, I feel like we have a life together and it's fine but something in my soul feels like there should be more. Like I should be madly in love with the man I'm spending my life with and intoxicated by our life together rather than tolerate it because that is what I have.

I'm not the type to start “shopping” around for a new man and entertaining his social circle keeps me too busy to get one of my my own (since being with him, I've lost many of my own friendships) so I feel like without him I don't have any life at all, much less the potential for something thrilling.

If I break up with him, I'm afraid I'll hurt us both too much and I'll be completely alone and I don't know how to start over. I don't want to start over, actually, I've been working on this one a long time and part of me thinks it's ok to just be “ok” and have a “normal” life. And what if he wouldn't take me back if I wanted to?

What should I do?

Desperately,

Afraid to burn the bridges

Dear Afraid To Burn,

I think we have all been in a situation that was at best mediocre, like you're describing, and understand how difficult it can be to have a clear perspective on what the next right action is.

Do you play it safe (and how long can you stand to)? Or do you listen to that voice in your soul calling out for something...more?

Here's what I want you to do. Go get a quarter. Now flip it and let it fall to the floor – heads you keep your “ok” life, tails you bust out of the rut and burn with the heat of a thousand fires toward that mad love and exciting existence that's quietly calling you, bridges be damned.

Which side is up? How do you feel about that? There's your answer.

Please follow up with me, I really want to know what you decide!

Lots of Love,

Cece

P.S. Sometimes you have to burn that bridge to keep the zombies from catching you and turning you in to one of them.

Dealing With Bullies

Dear Cece,

Why are some people such a**holes? I'm sick of people who think that they can just pester and nag me until I give them the answer they want. I deal with several people who think that sending multiple emails/phone messages/texts/physically appearing etc is going to change my original response but all it does is make me ignore/delete them and then I feel guilty but I don't have time in my day to play those stupid games. How do I deal with them and get back some of my patience and peace in my day?

Thank you for your help,

Pulling my hair out

Dear Pulling,

What you are talking about is simply bullying. We could talk for hours about psychological, societal and personal reasons they are the way they are but the bottom line is that some people think they have the right to attack someone else who isn't doing what they want. This may sound harsh, but that is what they are doing - attacking you!

I assume you have returned their first communication with a sufficient response and they continue to harass you for more or different results and this is the bad behavior you are trying to nip in the bud.

Step 1: Forgive them. Realize that there is a reason that they are acting this way that you may never know and probably couldn't solve if you wanted to. So, take a quiet moment after you receive that bout of harassment from them and say a little prayer that they will be led to a place of peace for whatever ails them and forgive. That action alone will release you from the anger, frustration and guilt of the situation, allowing you to move forward in a positive way.

Step 2: Send them one last response, politely stating that nothing has changed and they do not need to keep "following up" or similar.

Step 3: Ignore any further contact about that particular interaction. Forgive and delete, repeat as needed.

This is probably going to be very difficult no matter what type of situation you are in with this person, whether personal or professional. You may need to talk about it with other people in your life for support and specific solutions so I'd encourage you to ask yourself, on a case by case basis, before you do so:

Will talking about it to this person make anything better? Can they help or are you just gossiping?

For instance, talking to your boss or a trusted coworker about the situation and asking for advice or mentoring around how to handle that particular person or generic situation may help stave off any complications at work and alert them to a potential disaster waiting to happen. But, talking to all your coworkers during happy hour is probably just gossip and going to shed a negative light on you and your own work ethic - don't be that person.

Pulling, my dear, I sincerely hope this helps and keep me posted on how the situation progresses!

Cece

Add The Good - Crowd Out The "Bad"

Hello everyone!

Today I was reminded to share with you one of the most powerful tools I have for creating positive change that is so easy and nearly impossible to fight. It's called"crowding out".

When we set goals or are looking to make positive changes in our lives, it seems logical that we should just be able to flip a switch in our mind and stop doing the "bad" stuff, right? Then, a little while later we find that it never happened and beat ourselves up, rinse and repeat. It's not fun.

So, here's a tip that I hope will help so not only can you make great changes in your life that will really support and serve you but mainly so you can quit beating yourself up.

If you're in a "quit the bad thing" mindset, flip it over to "add more of the good thing".

For instance, if you're trying to curb the amount of time you spend complaining (in general or about a specific topic...like your job...?) start to think of ways you can add in positive words every day. You can plan to journal/tweet/instagram/facebook/call a friend or your mom and tell them a positive thought/event every day. Put it in your calendar and set a reminder.

Two things happen. The first is, for that moment you were finding a positive message you weren't complaining. Congrats! And by changing that thought and behavior pattern, even so slightly, you will start to find more times that you are actively seeking and enjoying the positive things in your day - which naturally crowds out those negative thoughts that make you complain.

Let's see, another example? If you're trying to give up sweets, it's probably going to be so much easier to flip it around to adding in something else that you enjoy consistently instead. A logical place to start is with a list of delicious whole foods you like and just plan to add them in every day. If you are having a juicy mango for breakfast, dates and pecans (which taste like pecan pie btw), a delicious cheese and apple, (plain) coconut milk in your coffee etc. through the day, you just won't be hungry enough for the sweets. Next thing you know, you aren't downing white sugar and HFCS constantly and are feeling proud about your new good habits. (Do you notice that grabbing gorgeous fruits and a bag of nuts at the store are as easy as choosing candy bars and a 5 lb bag of white sugar?)

Again, you have a couple great bonus things happening. Instead of just using up all your strength and willpower to eliminate a single "bad" thing, you're adding in more whole foods and get greater nutrition, better health and more energy plus most people find that their food bills go down when they see the difference in spending $ on satisfying whole foods vs $$$$ on binge inducing sweets and processed sugars that aren't beneficial to really feeling good.

So, now tell me - what changes are you trying to make? Can you flip it around and make it a no-brainer?

Add in the good to squeeze out the bad and let me know how it goes!