What's your meaning of life?

I have a theory that we are all searching for the meaning of life and that is the meaning of life: the search. Connecting to something greater than yourself.  A lot of people try to find that meaning in collecting money, shoes or other people and I'm not here to judge their level of success, just to ask how that is working for them.

What is your meaning of life?  What are you trying to connect with and is it working?

I read an interesting take on life's meaning last week and have been pondering it quite a bit.  It went something like: we are not a body, we have a body.  We are a spirit and our body is simply a vehicle for communication so that we can have a human experience.  Further, that the body can't think, that it is our mind that interprets the sensations and gives them (sometimes arbitrary) meanings: good or bad.

What was really interesting to me was how differently everyone interprets the same sensations.  Two people can experience the exact same thing and interpret it very differently.  For example, a roller coaster.  One person can get in it and ride for hours, throwing their hands up and screaming with delight.  Another person can get in with fear in the pit of their stomach, clench the safety bar until their knuckles are bleeding and throw up from the excruciating horror of it, refusing to ever ride again.

There are even studies of infants 4 months old, showing how extremely different each can react to the exact same stimuli so we don't even know exactly when we start to form our perceptions of this world.  So, I'm not going to get into the psychology/biology of it.
What I wonder, is can we learn to change our perception and should we?

Personally, I think if something isn't working for you or you just want to make a positive change, the answer is yes on both counts.  We naturally look for evidence to "prove" our personal beliefs - just look at your friends' Facebook pages, you'll see they are filled with things that support their own view of how the world should be and you'll find exact opposite view points on a different person's page.

So, the challenge is to search out the perspective that supports the meaning you want to bring more of into your life.  You can focus on the good news or the bad news, change or the status quo - which one do you choose?

Being a cognitive miser

This week we were talking about how some of the most successful people live a surprisingly simple life and the various tactics we can adopt from them to also become more successful in our endeavors.

There is actually a lot of science behind why simplifying your life can actually bring you a lot more prosperity, satisfaction and happiness.  One theory is the "cognitive miser".  It has shown that we actually have a limited amount of decision making ability each day, called "decision fatigue". This is the reason that a lot of us can't decide what to have for dinner or lose our resolve to do certain things by the end of the day.  We have literally used up our ability to make decisions through out the day starting with what to wear before we leave for work and all the decisions that follow.

So, if we can minimize some of the simple decisions we have to make each day, imagine how many other opportunities to accomplish bigger things would open up.

You've probably heard of people who have precise morning routines that they rarely deviate from (likely you've heard of them because they are successful and doing an interview about a day in the life, like Tony Robbins, Ivanka Trump etc.).

I don't know about you, but when I hear about these routines I pretty much think it sounds impossible.  I mean, get up before dawn in the middle of winter to go to the gym, cook a big breakfast, read the papers, tie my shoes...ha ha ha.  But, when I feel myself hitting a wall in the evening where I'm looking at the fridge and can't figure out what to do but open a can of peas for dinner, things get ugly.

So, a few of us decided to see if we could change our lives for the better with these tactics and I'm here to report out so we might help you too!

It was harder than we thought!  For example, have you ever thought about the sheer insanity you face at the store?  There are thousands of choices in breakfast cereal,  dozens of types of eggs, don't get me started on the ice cream (seriously, if you want dairy free, sugar free, fat free ice cream maybe you should consider a trip to the produce section instead for a juicy peach), 5 scents of the same brand of bathroom cleaner, hundreds of types of toothpaste and then you have to consider that a lot of those "choices" are actually the very exact same thing from the same plant, off the same line into the same can with a different sticker on each.  We live in a society of unlimited choices for everything and to make matters worse a lot of us want to find the best "deal" in all those choices so we are comparing prices and endorsements to figure it all out. It's a lot of work just to get the supplies we need before we even get to the real work of life.

All that aside, we decided to focus on 3 things: encapsulating our work wardrobe, meal planning and play time (aka exercise).

Wardrobe:

Have you ever noticed that most working men have a uniform?  The same color suit/pants/jacket and maybe a couple color variation of shirts and shoes (which often go to after work and weekend events too)?  More women are adopting that concept as well but every one I know still wants fun accessories and require unique outfits for occasions.

Personally, I've had something of a "uniform" since I got my first job out of college and a wise colleague said she just wore "black pants and a top" everyday so she fit the dress code and didn't spend a lot of money on outfits that the same 10 people were going to see every day anyway.  She was brilliant and didn't even know about decision fatigue.  At the time, I had a love of fashion that led me to a full and vibrant closet but every morning I found myself spending half an hour trying things on until coming back to the 20% of my closet that was easy - the neutral colors and simple tailored lines.  Then, racing out the door.  It took me a couple years before I finally resigned myself to the fact that I did indeed have a uniform and I separated my closet to the work side and the fun side and saved myself that 30 minutes every day.

Meal Planning: 

The next part we tackled was food.  Gemma already had this one down pat to gift the rest of us.  Every morning she had the same bowl of muesli for breakfast with almond milk. Done.  She highly recommended that we each eat the same thing for breakfast every morning.  Our struggle was to decide what.
Jill needed to get 30 grams of protein in the morning so was often struggling between shakes, bars, eggs or a drive thru and trying to feed her kids at the same time (who each wanted something different). She was using a lot of decision making ability first thing in the morning and felt like this one would make the biggest difference in her life.  So, she settled on just having eggs every morning because it was also something her kids would eat without much of a fuss.
A couple weeks later, she reports that it has worked out well.  She thought cooking in the morning would take more time than cereal or a shake but she found they are actually gaining time by not having any discussion around it.  We gave her a gold star!

We also came up with systems for other meals (each night of the week has a theme and lunch is always leftovers).

Play time:

This seemed to be the thing that was hardest to routinize because in the morning was too hard with all the other activities to get out the door and by evening, well we all had used up our cognitive resources so it would end up on the list to definitely do tomorrow. Hmm.

One day I saw an interview with Tracy Anderson (personal trainer of Gwyneth and Madonna) where they asked her what exercises she would recommend for a lady who only had 15 minutes.  Her answer was shocking and real.  She said she would tell them to get out their calendar and figure out why they didn't have an hour to show up for their health every day.

I shared this immediately and we all agreed, we had to do whatever it took to show up for our health every day and got creative, plugging in our exercise when we still had will power left during the day to make it a habit.

We each put a non-negotiable appointment on our calendar no more than 6 hours after we woke up and chose a single workout to do for 40 days.  It might sound boring and go against the crowd who say you need to change up your workout so you don't plateau but that wasn't the point.  What we needed was a decision-less action to take every day to show up for our health.  Maybe after 40 days we can start changing it up, once the core habit is established.

Of course, we made these changes one at a time over the course of a few weeks but the results have been phenomenal.  We have each found more time in our days to do the things we really love and make strategic movement toward huge goals.

I hope that this will inspire or help you if you're also struggling with that feeling of not enough time in the day or running out of will power.  Let me know what your challenges are and I'll share some of our brainstorming with you to help!






The millionaire who lives in an Airstream trailer

When you feel like you're going to hit the wall...

One of the first things you have to learn in racing school is that if you feel like you're going to hit the wall, don't look at the wall!
Why?  Because we have a natural tendency to go toward what we look at and if you're feeling too close to crashing, the best thing to do is look the other way - look where you want to go instead and turn that way.  The funny thing is a lot of people can't learn to do it.

It is the same in regular life too.  So many people find themselves headed in a direction they don't want to go in their careers, relationships, health etc. and want to change their course but a lot can't quite make it.  The ones that do, though, are the people who can tear their concentration away from the potential disaster coming up and look toward what they desire.

I'm sure you've heard that old adage about “what you focus on grows” or some version of it.   That's basically what we're talking about here.

So, where are you going that you don't want to be?  Can I suggest rather than focusing on the thing you don't want, you flip your thoughts to what you do want?

For example, I have a client who had a New Year's goal of losing weight and for months she had been focused on losing that weight, cutting out sugar and processed foods and dieting, yet she didn't have much luck.
We did a quick exercise where she started to state what she did want: a bikini body, glowing skin and shiny hair.  Looking at that list, she said she felt more energized and positive about her desire and we made a simple plan for her to add things to her life that would help her achieve those goals instead of focusing on cutting out, losing and lack.  As she filled her days with the positive actions the things she didn't want naturally fell away and she has since reported amazing success!

The science is there too, showing that a reward is usually a much better motivator than punishment and that replacing a bad habit with something you'd prefer creates much more success than just trying to go "cold turkey".

I'd love to hear from you about the things you struggle with.  Are there ways you can turn it around to state what you do want instead of what you don't?  For example, if you hate your job how does it feel to think about what new job you want instead of just about how to escape the old job you don't?  Or if you're in a bad relationship, how much more empowered would you feel if you focus on the people you want to bring into your life more than the ones you want to kick out?
I'd bet you will feel more confident and find that transition happening so easily you'll hardly notice, when you're coming from an attitude of possibility instead of loss.
Let me know!

You've lost that vacation feeling

I have a question. Have you unwittingly designed a life you want to escape from?

I know a lot of people who start each week complaining that it's Monday and counting down to Friday, dragging through daily routines that feel soul crushing and commonly claim to be tired/stressed/too busy with a roll of the eyes and puffing of cheeks. In fact, I've been there too.

Some seem to enjoy the pain, but I don't believe that is the majority.  I think that they have unconsciously built a life that they want to escape from but don't know how, akin to Stockholm syndrome, only they are their own captor.

Then, they take a vacation or enjoy a weekend and find that it takes a couple days just to detach from things, have some fun and then experience this new phenomenon of "Sunday Night Blues" (read about it here).  It just doesn't seem right.

I've started to think of life like those stipple paintings, where the artist creates a whole picture one tiny dot at a time (hang in here with me). They have a bigger vision so they design the color, shape and spacing of each dot to create the larger piece but you have to have distance from it to see what it is.

So, what if, instead of believing that we have to make huge, dramatic (impossible) changes to have a life we love all the time, we just took it one dot at a time, rather than trying to cram it all into those scant 2 weeks a year and then losing the second we realize it's over?

One choice, one action and one thought at a time.

Then, maybe not tomorrow but a little while from now, we could look back and see the bigger picture and be pleased with it?

I know it's possible, simple even. All it takes is conscious intention and a habit to follow that intention.

For example, I currently intend to enjoy my life to the extreme, so I consider the prospect of enjoyment in everything I do.

Of course, I don't enjoy everything I do (cleaning bathrooms comes to mind) so the question sometimes is: how can I appreciate this?  

At first I didn't remember my intention because I was so busy with my old habit of just getting stuff done like a zombie and life still sucked, a lot.  I needed to remind myself so I started small with notes and items around my house, like a note on the fridge or a lipstick I love on my vanity to trigger that thought.  It only took a few days before I had an automatic, silent mantra: Do I enjoy this?  Sure, some of my choices haven't met the test and I'm not 100% blissed out all the time but when I look back, I can truly say the grand picture pleases me. I don't want to escape from it at all, I want to be tethered to it as it just keeps getting better and better.

I've moved on to bigger things as I gain more confidence and unlearn the concept of "no pain, no gain" and I'm living a life now where there are no more Sunday night blues or vacation withdrawal.  Each dot on my canvas gets me closer to a masterpiece - to my bigger vision, rather than just leading down a chaotic maze.  Do you want that too?

I have a second question for you now. What do you want your life to feel like? 

That is the secret sauce in this formula. To paraphrase Tim Ferriss:  "You don't want a million dollars, you want the life you think a million dollars will give you." Swap out "dollars" for friends/fame/belongings/career/etc. and it still stands. 

So, my advice is to remind yourself of the feeling and try to experience it as often as possible (set up reminders) and I think one day you'll look back and see that you have tossed away the life you wanted to escape and you're living one designed exactly how you like.

This is your life...

Let's play a game today. Take a few moments right now to look around you, really take everything in. What do you smell, feel, hear?

I'll wait...take as long as you need.

.....................................................................................................

Now, I want you to take one more look before you finish reading this and say out loud, “This is my life.”

How does that feel? Do you feel proud or disappointed? Are you relaxed and happy or stressed out and frustrated? How does your body feel when you say it?

One day, I took a break to have my favorite cup of tea outside during a gorgeous morning, the sunrise was breath taking and the flowers were blooming and fragrant, it was the kind of morning you wish you could just freeze frame forever. I thought, “What if this could be my life?” My heart unclenched and it hit me like a ton of bricks – It is! Colleen Bean...This.Is.Your.Life. Duh, right? 

But what I realized in that moment was that I got caught up in the doing of life – the job, the errands, the obligations, the un-fun things and looking toward a future “some day” when I would have done enough to finally have my dream life but all the while, here was my dream peeking in randomly, a minute at a time, but I was glossing over it.

I wonder if you feel that way too.

I made a pretty radical decision that day to live my dreams now because I didn't want to be disappointed or frustrated for one more second. I didn't want to die with regrets and I was acutely aware that death can come at any second (not in a morbid way, seriously).

You probably don't want to make such a radical decision as I did, or maybe you do. But, I want to invite you to the party, either way.

It's easy.

The first step is to just be aware of what is going on around you. Stop a few times a day and really experience what you are doing and what's going on around you. Maybe say to yourself, “This is my life!” - see how it feels. Take note of the things that make your heart happy and lean into them just a little longer. Extend those moments of love, hugs, fun, beauty and joy as long as you can and maybe a little longer. 

I promise, your life will get dreamy instantly.  Let me know how it goes.

A Musing About Pleasure

This morning I was having a gorgeous glass (or 3) of my (new) favorite (Italian) bubbly at the lodge and living my dreamy life.

I enjoyed that first sip and those first rays of sun so much, I thought I should share the joy so I pulled out my phone and snapped a picture for Instagram, but my hand looked awkward, so I took another which was blurry...you know the drill. Finally, I had this lovely picture, the sun was glinting perfectly and I posted it.

At that point, I realized that I had just spent some very precious moments of my life on something that was a shadow of the rich, pleasure filled moment. That picture I posted wasn't even a teeny glimpse into the magnificence of this gorgeous instant.

I missed out on being delighted in the occasion while the sun was traveling across the sky in an amazing light show, the sweet cold drink that I could have sipped like a hedonist while I enjoyed my company, the time and the space.

Instead, I stepped out of the moment (with good intention!) to share it with my loved ones far and wide who couldn't be here with me.

So, what is my point? I'm not sure, exactly. I think it is to inspire you to live without distraction in the moments you cherish most. To not make my mistake of taking a few frustrating pictures that caused me to judge the quality of the sun, the breeze, the position of my hand...which were perfect, except for the camera, and should have been savored.

It is not to discourage you from sharing your moments, not at all!  Just to be aware that, if in that moment your soul whispers to you to fully immerse yourself in it and ignore the rest of us, DO IT! Tell me about it later when you're sick in bed with a cold...”Once upon a time on this gorgeous day...” I'll appreciate it just as much then.

Dear Cece, I want my stuff back!

Dear Cece,

I broke up with my boyfriend but we lived together and now he won't let me back in to get my things. He said he will pack them up and I can come get them in the lobby of our building next week. I'm worried that he will keep or damage things since it was a bad break up. What can I do?

-A

Dear A,

I'm not a lawyer, so first off I'd suggest you contact one or at least the police and see what legal rights you have about your property.

As for the emotional situation you're dealing with, my advice is to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I, myself, have been through bad breakups and lost things in the process that I wish(ed) to keep (and don't miss them at all now!) so will you.

The hardest part of breaking up though, is the emotional loss of a huge part of your lifestyle and a person you valued so much. The first step is to forgive yourself for any resentment you have around it and forgive him for any wrongs you blame him for. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, it means releasing from the negativity that bleeds into every other part of your life and keeps you from fully receiving all the good things around you. Release your regrets, anger and negativity so you can move on. I know, this is easier said than done but if you are even a tiny bit willing to forgive, it will happen and these belongings you're worried about will seem less crucial to your happiness.

As for your property, again this is easier said than done, but try to remember that it doesn't make you happy and you aren't your stuff. It's all just mementos of your life and what you really value are the experiences and memories that are associated with it – cherish those. Forgive him if things are broken or missing, intentional or not.

Don't get me wrong, if you have valuable items and irreplaceable family heirlooms, you should fully expect them to be returned and pursue that! I'm just saying, there's always more of everything in this world but if you spend your energy and your life obsessing over what you can't control, you won't have the opportunity to bring in more shiny new things and amazing experiences into your life.

On a side note, you might find that a lot of those things hold bad memories of your old relationship and you won't want them later anyway.

Everyone has "baggage" make sure what you're hauling around is worth it to you. :)

I hope this helps, please let me know how it goes!

Lots of Love,

Cece